Behind closed doors: The new face of modern love and marriage

It was sad when Robert Mbuthia Gichuru passed away suddenly. As is custom his family posted an obituary in a leading daily newspaper. 

But there was something curious about his eulogy. In fact, in days to come, his tribute would lead to a waging discussion. Robert went viral in death. 

So what was the issue? It all had to do with how the 52-year-old's family was constituted. The fact that it was odd, but publicly declared sent tongues wagging. "He was the husband to Stella Mbuthia, dedicated partner to Susan Mukami and Olive Githongo," the much-shared obituary read. 

As is the case with social media discussions more information was shared across platforms. Robert's eulogy surfaced days later giving more explanation to the already curious case. It read: "Robert Mbuthia met and married Stella in 1995. They were blessed with two sons. Robert and Stella then traveled to the United Kingdom. He worked for several years before returning to Kenya alone. After a few years, Robert met Susan with whom they were blessed with three children. Later, he met Olive, the love of his life, with whom he was engaged. Robert and Olive had one child." 

The bold declaration on the kind of family life Robert and his three women lived begged many questions. "Is this the modern face of polygamy? Has the family as we know it changed so much in recent decades? Or is his case a unique one? Who are the women? Did they agree to this arrangement?" many quizzed. Many too wondered what the terms, 'dedicated partner,' and 'love of my life', meant. 

Evolving family

But as we put this piece together, we learnt that Robert's case is not an isolated one. The family has evolved. The nuclear family (father, mother, children) today, is an exception rather than the rule. In modern times, family is a mixed breed, one in which the individuals chose what suits them best at any particular time. 

In some cases, these new trends appear to be offshoots of polygamy. Whereas polygamy was widely accepted in our grandfathers' generation and is recognised in the Kenyan law and Muslim unions, it is more frowned upon than cheered on today. In a tug-of-war between tradition, modernity, and religion, mutual polygamy is an emerging trend. 

In December 2018, Elizabeth Silamoi and Joyce Tokoyian decided to wed the same man on the same day in Kajiado County. They agreed that Elizabeth, 23, would be the first wife while Joyce, 25, would be the second wife. The two women also agreed that they would have identical and equal household items to create a power balance in their marriage.

Two years later, in December 2020, a Kenyan man who was identified as Hez Jakamollo shared photos of the two identical modern bungalows he was building for his two wives. The bungalows were in the same parcel of land, at least 30 feet apart. His two women had chosen to live close. 

According to sociologist Johnstone Miriti, marriage life is now in the age of clandestine polygamy, polyandry, and bigamy where both men and women can marry or cohabit with multiple partners. "Polygamy has been in practice for some time. But polyandry and bigamy have been more speculative than practiced. This is now changing and we have many forms of both polyandry and polygamy happening behind closed doors," he says. 

The majority of men and women will prefer to pursue these types of relationships behind the camera. 

Shifting perceptions 

Sociologist Christina Chanya Lenjou says that the shift from polygamy to monogamy in the modern world has been influenced by modernisation, a tone of feminism, and religious dictates. She says that the woman of today is socially perceived to be more educated, and better placed to negotiate for relationships in which she has a powerful position in the man's life without having to be deputised by another woman. 

"Since these three factors have created a shift in perception, men and women who feel monogamy is too narrow for them are opting for clandestine relationships," says Christina. The problem with this setup is that many monogamous unions have become a public relations front.

In contrast to polygamy, women who choose to associate with multiple married men or who move from one spouse to another are socially condemned. Miriti says this is largely due to the patriarchal nature of marriage where family choices are at the behest of the man. The case for women who are keen on polyandry is especially worse. 

Women who are engaged to two men or who remarry without divorcing the first man are socially and legally condemned. Ann Wanjiru has been fighting to prove that she divorced her husband before marrying her second husband. The chief inspector at the Directorate of Criminal Investigations was accused of marrying her junior police commander David Murimi in 2012 before terminating her marriage to prison sergeant David Mbitu. Ms. Wanjiru had left her first marriage in 2010. She had no children. Her marriage to Murimi was dissolved in July 2020 by the chief magistrate's court in Nairobi. 

Despite the patriarchy, some men have welcomed other men into their homes as co-husbands. In September 2018, Maurine Atieno was arrested in Migori for living with two husbands. Maurine had first married Robert Ochieng. They had two children and separated. Maurine moved out and got married to John Ochola. A few months later, she returned to Ochieng's home with Ochola and the three continued to stay together as wife and co-husbands.

No need for divorce

Unlike years before when spouses waited for their divorce to be finalised before entering into new relationships, people are no longer waiting. In some instances, former spouses are moving into new unions without divorce. "I have never formally divorced my first wife, yet we have been apart for six years now. We both moved on and married other people after separation," says Alfred Asigwe. 

The 39-year-old programs officer at an environmental NGO says that they opted for a 'gentleman's agreement' to avoid the process of divorce and the possibility of washing their dirty linen in public. This type of resolution has become common both in society and in legal corridors. According to a recent court ruling by the Malindi High Court judge Reuben Nyakundi, the failure to dissolve a marriage formally should not prevent either of the spouses from exercising their rights and freedom to choose, associate, or even enter into another marriage. "If parties in a marriage show an intention not to continue with their marriage or conduct themselves like unmarried persons, then the same should be treated as such," the court ruled. This ruling suggests that over and above the law, the true intentions of what a couple that is no longer together want must be supreme. 

Previously, the majority of women who entered into polygamous arrangements were uneducated and unemployed. But today, more upwardly mobile women are getting involved. 

Mercy Chumo has been an unofficial second wife for four years now. "I have been a dedicated partner since I turned 28. We have two kids together," says the 32-year-old business development manager at a Nairobi-based PR firm. 

Two of her children are twin daughters fathered by Jared, while her firstborn son is from a previous relationship. "I was heartbroken too many times before. With Jared, it has been different. He accepted my son and he has been a good father figure to him. He has given me a sense of security, respect, and longevity. It's not about his money," she insists. Mercy is aware of Jared's marriage of 13 years and has no plan to cause an upset. "I have seen his wife several times. I am not sure she knows I exist, and I don't care," she says. 

Social security and conformity

According to Christina, the modern woman may have achieved higher levels of freedom, independence, and ability to make choices, but still craves social security and conformity that makes her want to be attached to a man. In some instances, she will go for the married man, as he is equal in status. Christina attributes this to the patriarchal model of society. "Despite the woman having higher education levels and financial stability, she will still look for that male figure," she says. 

In the event of polyandry, some women have been brave enough to draw contracts on how the arrangement will work. Joyce Wambui was torn between two lovers for more than four years. Unable to choose between them, she signed a contract a few years ago that stated how Sylvester Mwendwa and Elijah Kimani would share her. The two men would take turns to stay with her and help her raise her children. "Our agreement is good as it sets boundaries and helps us keep the peace," she told the BBC.

For many in polygamous unions, society should accept the emerging forms of family. 

Take Jimmy Kimaru. He says that it is time people accepted that absolute monogamy is impossible. "We shall keep on beating corners," he says. Kimaru, a chief engineer at a county government, currently has two women he maintains on the side. 

"I have two side wives. One has two children while the other one is pregnant with my first child," he says. He has been with the two women for five and two years respectively. To avoid trouble in the event of his death, Kimaru confides that he has registered some of his properties in joint tenancy with the two side women. "They may not be in the will because I don't want matrimonial property fights the day I am gone. But I have secured them through joint tenancy in property my first wife doesn't know about," the 46-year-old, says. 

"What about polyandry? Is society about to soften its stance on it?" many women may want to know. 

This is changing too. In South Africa today, the State's Department of Home Affairs is lobbying for polyandry to be made legal. The department says that it is looking to end the discriminative and unequal nature of polygamy.

When it comes to the question of which is the better option in the evolution of modern marriage, Miriti says that monogamy is ideally better. It is accepted by everyone and it gives security to both spouses and children. However, it may be narrow for some people. "Polygamy on the other hand makes it easier for those who feel monogamy is too narrow for them to establish several bomas. This ensures no woman feels hidden and children can live openly knowing they are acknowledged by the larger family and community."

The mpango-wa-kando 

Previously, it was common for men to marry, and also maintain a mistress who was popularly known as 'gacungwa'. According to Miriti, the difference between traditional and modern extramarital relationships is the position of children and the partners involved. "The traditional gacungwa was comfortable staying behind the scenes because her children were easily accepted and integrated into the family. The equation changed gacungwa became mpango wa kando," says Miriti. The position of mpango wa kando was not openly accepted and neither were the children. 

But more hidden mistresses, are pushing for a new order. "The modern gacungwa now wants to be publicly acknowledged and any children she might have as a result of her relationship with the married man accepted," he says.

There is a drawback though. In a polygamous setting, it can be hard to share resources equally. 

Investigations by the Saturday Magazine found that the first wife in both official and unofficial polygamous unions is more concerned about the attitude and behavior of the side women towards her than her presence in her husband's life. "It doesn't hurt that he is with another woman. My father had four wives and I am accustomed to polygamy. What pains me is the other woman trying to usurp my position," says Jacqueline Livoi, 40. 

Jacqueline has been married for the past 15 years. She says that while the traditional first wife was revered, the modern first wife's position in marriage is no longer respected. "I grew up knowing that a man could run a successful homestead where all his women respected the goat wife," she says. 

The tag of war between the goat wife and the side woman recently played out on social media in the case of popular musician Samidoh, his wife Edith, and his side woman city politician Karen Nyamu. The musician's wife was caught up in the drama that was largely interpreted as Ms. Nyamu's attempt to pronounce her lead role in the musician's life. 

In a public confession, the musician admitted that he was in a side 'friendship' with Ms. Nyamu that produced a baby. But according to Ms. Nyamu, the friendship was an actual side relationship, of which the musician's wife knew about. In her defense against public condemnation over her ridicule of Samidoh's first wife, Ms. Nyamu said the singer's inability to be an authority over his two women was to blame.

Division of property

For many women, moving in with a man who hasn't been legally divorced may evoke fears over the future division of matrimonial property. This is the same legal landmine women who are dating married men without being officially recognised as wives face. But there is a silver lining. Esther Masayangila, an Advocate of the High Court, says that women in such relationships can contest for the property if they were with the man for a provable period from which assumption of marriage can be made. "If their partner dies and leaves behind a will, then they can make claims," she says. "At the same time, if the man dies intestate – without a will – and there is a presumption of marriage, then the woman in the arrangement can claim some inheritance." Ms. Masayangila points out. 

When it comes to the distribution of property though, the distribution will not necessarily be equal, but equitable. Each child will be considered as a unit and the wives will be considered as additional units. 

Polygamy stats today

• According to data from the Kenya Population and Housing Census, by 2018, almost 1.5 million Kenyans - or 10 percent of the married population - are in a polygamous marriage.

What the law says about division of property: 

• If your husband acquires a second wife, and you end up divorcing, the property you and your husband had acquired before the second wife came along will be divided equally between you and your husband alone. The second wife will not lay any claim. 
• If the property is acquired after more women have been married, such property will be retained by the man and the wives. However, this will take into account every contribution made by each party.

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