We are all sexting more, but are we doing it right?

“The best sext I ever received wasn’t the nasty, explicit kind. It was short, suggestive and so hot – ‘I can’t get last night out of my mind’ it read,” says Maggie Warari, 30.

Sexting which is a combination of texting and sex is the modern-day equivalent of those steamy love letters of earlier decades. While it’s been around for a while, Covid-19 forced us to retreat into our homes and as STD cases were going down, we were learning new ways to sexually satisfy ourselves from a distance. Today, as we get back-to-the office, we are now sexting more than ever.

According to recent research from the University of Alberta in Canada, up to 80 percent of people the world over and across all age groups are sexting each other. Closer home, in a dipstick survey conducted by Saturday Magazine on women around Kenya, 67 percent have sent or received a sext in their life. A total of 40 percent admitted to having sent a sext in the last month.

Looks like almost all of us are doing it but do women really enjoy it? Or is it a fun, harmless ingredient that could make your relationship even better?

“My introduction to sexting was an unsolicited photograph of a phallus, that a stranger of Asian origin sent to my Facebook Inbox. I was 19,” says Aimee Nzau. “I now enjoy it with people I’m dating but I’m cautious,” she adds.

Tess, a 33-year-old Dentist in Nairobi admits that she has sexted in past relationships and even in her current relationship where she’s cohabiting with her partner. When asked what she feels about it, she says that she’s wary.

“It depends on the person and the situation. When it’s good, it’s amazing and when it’s bad, it’s awful. There are very fine lines,” she says.

“I have not sexted because men I have dated just don’t enjoy it. I find it mechanical. I would have to say things and use language that I would never use face to face. I prefer the real thing,” says Wambui Ndwiga, 34.

Eunice Thairu a counselling psychologist with a private practice in Nairobi says that different women will prefer different forms of sexting. Some will be up for the milder suggestive kind while others want to dive right into the explicit stuff. It all depends on personality type and the level of intimate comfort in a relationship.

“Whether or not a woman enjoys sexting as part of a relationship depends on her attachment style,” she says.

Those with anxious attachment styles will take to sexting to feel closer to their love interest especially when they are physically away while avoidant people will use sexting to still receive gratification while keeping their sexual partners at an arm’s length.

Why are we doing it?

The most obvious answer given by those who have sent nude and semi-nude photographs is to turn the receiver on. New research on the subject by researchers from the University of Arizona turned up interesting findings.

 While both men and women shared having sent sexually explicit videos and images because they felt pressured to reciprocate, women were reported to be four times as likely as men to participate in sexting because they were afraid that their partner would lose interest in them if they failed to participate. This may point to a sexual double standard that may cause some women to be averse to texting.

The danger of revenge Porn

L. Atemi, a 32-year-old content creator shudders at the thought of sexting or any other form of digital sexual intimacy. She knows too well how much spice it can add to a relationship and also how much damage it can do. You see, two years ago, she indulged a man she was dating.

“He was a writer so he was very good at it. It was very hot. Because writing is not my strong suit, I would send photos and videos and voice notes. It made our relationship much better,” she recalls.

Then, as with many relationships, things fell apart and when she tried to move on with someone else, her ex unleashed her explicit images to the internet.

“It was devastating. Nothing can prepare you for revenge porn. And now I have a six-month-old daughter and I know that the internet never forgets. I will never ever send such messages again. Even if I get married and the man is my husband. I learnt my lesson,” she says.

Sexologist Dr. Emily Morse in her podcast; Sex with Emily advises that as with any other sexual consent, consent during sexting is crucial.

“Get consent, ask how they feel about sexting before ambushing them with a photo of your bosom,” she says.

Similarly, for your own comfort and safety, she recommends laying down the ground rules beforehand. Once you’ve established that he’s up for some dirty talk, talk about whether or not you want to keep the material after.

“If you feel like you are being used and not getting anything from the activity, don’t do it. And if you are concerned about breach of trust, don’t do it.”

She also warns against the pressure of feeling the need to reciprocate.

“Just because someone sends a nude doesn’t mean you are obligated to reciprocate,” she says.

Having someone you trust to enjoy this level of intimacy is one thing. But we also know how unsafe the digital space. Once you press send, you lose control and you never really know where this image could end up.

Cynthia Ochoieng, a social media manager from Thika offers that there are ways of keeping yourself digitally safe even in instances where exes decide to use your images to get back at you.

Number one, she says, know your angles.

“Your face and your distinguishing features are what give you away. Don’t let fear keep you from exploring. But always keep your face and your distinct features like tattoos out of view. There are also ways of digitally adding tattoos on your photos to keep you anonymous in the event of such a leak,” she says.

How to send that mind-blowing sext

We know that we are all sexting, and we know to ask for consent before hitting send. But what makes for a mind-blowing sext? What is the balance between fun and sexy, and cringe-worthy?

“Don’t skip the foreplay,” writes Jess O’Reilly, a sexologist and relationship expert in her book The Ultimate Guide to Seduction &Foreplay: Techniques and strategies for mind-blowing sex.

Second, get all five senses involved. Instead of the traditional old semi-nude pic, try also a video or even a voice note. For some people, she notes, the voice of their partner is the sexiest thing in the world. Third, beware of drunk sexting. If you’ve had a few and are having a little trouble standing straight, you have no business trying to sext.

Finally, don’t get carried away with it. According to research which has been published in the scientific journal Computers in Human Behaviour, hyper sexters- people who send and receive an abundance of sexts, report the highest levels of sexual satisfaction but their relationships suffer in other ways. They were found to be less secure, less committed, and more likely to watch porn and flirt with other people.

 Apparently, the art of sexting is the door to discovering different sexual experiences you otherwise wouldn’t engage in, in person. It is also all about balance.

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