Love and the ‘baby daddy’ tag: I rank high on women's list of 'men not to date'

Photo credit: Pool

What you need to know:

  • The traditional family structure that was common a generation ago has greatly changed.


  • So, if you’re in the dating game, you’re likely to come across single parents looking for love too. Just how much does early parenthood alter the dating game?


  • Single parents’ time is limited, and much of their energy goes toward taking care of their children.   

In this era where finding real, lasting love is not easy, and where the word love means different things to different people, finding a perfect match can be an arduous task. Things become even more dicey if you have a child from a previous relationship and are trying to forge a new union.

In Kenya today, the prevalence of single parenthood is so high that former President Uhuru Kenyatta described it as a crisis that may someday get out of hand if left unchecked.  

As a single parent returning to the dating scene, you may have to work twice as hard, first to win over your potential partner, and then to get him or her to get along with your child. Imagine the emotional labour of keeping a straight face during the first date as you try to find the perfect time to introduce your child to your new partner…it can hardly be easy. But many have walked this path.

This week, we talk with young single parents who are just getting back into the dating scene. They shared their struggles as they juggle parenting and courtship, and the lessons they have picked so far. 

Photo credit: Pool

Tula Rono, 28
Founder of Sprouted Hope Organisation, Kisumu
 
My baby has not affected my life’s trajectory in any way. He has been more of a blessing.

I have never been rejected for being a mother, instead, most of the men I have met say they are open to dating a single mother. They believe young women who have children are more mature, responsible and ready to settle down.

As a result, I have never shied away from introducing my son to my partner. In fact, I ensure I let my son know about the relationship as early as possible, when we are still friends. This helps me deduce one's thoughts and intentions before I start dating them. 

I never feel like I need to hide any information about my son. It is because of him that I am the hardworking woman I am today. My community based organisation, Sprouted Hope, came into existence because of him.

I had my son when I was in Form Two, and when I joined college, I decided to start the organisation to mentor young mothers and help them get back to school. I also had a vision to tackle teen pregnancies.

He is the reason behind my success and I never hesitate to speak about him to anyone, including my partner. I spend most of my time with my son, which is why it is easy for me to mention him.

Sharing information about a baby with your potential partner may be challenging at first, but it all depends on the individuals involved, the stage of healing from past relationships that one is in, and how comfortable they are with their partner.

It also depends on the kind of relationship they are in. I think that the introduction of a baby should come at the very beginning of a relationship. If the man loves you, then he should accommodate the baby.

My greatest challenge is how to get my son to meet my partner. I keep wondering when the appropriate time is to organise a meet up and what I will tell him in case the relationship comes to an end.

 At the moment, I am not in a relationship, but I am only open to dating single men or single dads. I’m not comfortable dating a married man, and I have never dated a divorced man.

I am also keen to know an individual’s thoughts about my son before the relationship grows deep so that I can determine whether  we can be compatible.  One thing that makes dating easier for me is the fact that I healed from my past relationships. I do not hate men because of past breakups. The father of my child and I are no longer close. We only communicate briefly if we happen to bump into each other. 

Photo credit: Pool


Joe Mwangi, 29
Psychologist, Nyeri

Receiving remarks like, ‘Ooh, you are a baby daddy!’ has become a norm in my dating life because of my seven-year-old daughter who came into the world while I was in my final year at the Kenya Institute of Professional Counselling.

Initially, every time I got such a comment during dates, I would cringe because what often followed was rejection.

Many of the women went mute after the first date, arguing that they could not handle a man who already had a child. Some considered that to be baggage, and others believed that co-parenting relationships with exes are always accompanied by drama.

Despite such challenges, I have never shied away from talking about my daughter to potential partners, even on the first date.

Contrary to what most women thought, my child is not a burden to me, but a gift that has expanded my outlook on life.

Even though the mother of my child and I parted ways five years ago, I do not regret having my daughter. She came as a result of a two-year college love relationship.

It is difficult to know that my child is growing up without a father figure, but I try to maintain a healthy relationship with her.

My dating experiences have redefined my preferences. Now, I find myself more comfortable among single mothers. I find single women too focused on money.

Before I got into my current relationship, I found myself being judged harshly.

But my present relationship is going so well because my partner is also a single mother and has experienced the same things I have. But even that comes with its challenges. For instance, she and I find ourselves talking about our children most of the time.

We are also focused on giving our children the best, so we give them most of the attention instead of working on our relationship.

My experience has taught me to always talk out issues with my partner and ensure we arrive at an amicable solution so that our relationship remains strong.

I have also expanded my support systems to include my family and friends who are also raising children. I need people I can trust and talk to about any challenge I am facing.

I would like to let unmarried fathers know that there is always a second chance at finding love. They should not be ashamed of their children, rather, consider them a blessing.

Societal misconceptions should not stop them from looking for love.

They should also establish a healthy co-parenting relationship with the mother of their child to avoid sabotaging their future relationships.

Photo credit: Pool


Purity Gesare, 25
Content creator, Nairobi

At the moment, I am scared and unsure of how to view relationships. I know full well that love is a commitment that comes with serious consequences especially for the woman.

I am also scared of loving someone else and having to take care of another baby by myself.

Despite this, I have never regretted having my baby. I believe that my child is a blessing. He was born out of love that once existed, and yes, if I ever think of loving another man, he will have to love my baby.

Currently, I am not in a relationship. I am focusing on growing myself financially and emotionally. I think dating is a distraction. I want to give my baby the best life he deserves. I would never want to give him excuses for not doing my best.

Many think that the easiest way to get into a single mum’s heart is by promising to provide, love, and take care of her children, but this is easier said than done.

One thing I have always done is to let everyone I am interacting with know that I am a mother, I identify as Mama Hansel, not as Purity. That has even become my brand name. I use it on my YouTube channel, Ma Hansel. 

I am not worried about introducing my baby to my future partner. My baby is my biggest blessing so far and a mother is the biggest title I currently hold.

I think one should introduce their baby to a potential partner as early as they say their name to make it easier for the man to decide whether or not they want to know you more.

Introducing myself as Mama Hansel saves me the trouble of explaining that I have a baby.

Sometimes I wonder why I seem to attract married men who play victims of toxic marriages that they are reluctant to leave. I prefer dating single men, not baby daddies.

I also think that there is nothing wrong with being alone. Dating is not a competition, so don't stay in the wrong relationship while trying to impress others. Also, it is high time people accept that love and marriage are not for everyone.

Since my breakup three years ago, I have never introduced my son to any male friends.

I am doing everything possible to protect him because today's relationships are not guaranteed to last, and I don't want my son having many ‘uncles’ or stepdads. 

My advice to single women is that they should introduce their babies to their partners after they make things official. Compatibility between the child and your partner depends on how you treat your man in the presence of your child and what you tell your child about the man. I don’t think a child would reject a man that treats the mother right.

Photo credit: Pool


Sharon Muthike, 22
Student, Nyeri Polytechnic

One of my greatest fears is returning to the dating scene. I would not want to risk exposing my child to different men. I am a mother to a one-year-old boy who has brought untold joy into my life that once seemed so hopeless.

I broke up with my boyfriend, who was a fellow student just four months into my pregnancy. Nowadays all we talk about are issues concerning the welfare of our child.

Since we broke up in 2021, I have tried dating again but all I get are harsh opinions and insensitive questions from men who want to know why the father of my child left.

Most of them assume I am the problem while others question why they should take care of a child that isn’t theirs yet the father is alive. For these reasons, I have refocused my energy into bringing up my child and growing in confidence and in my career.

I deferred my studies in October 2021 when I was seven months pregnant. I have since joined a young mothers support group in our school that has helped me manage the challenges of motherhood bravely.

I have also joined the Legal Resource Foundation Trust, a non-governmental organisation that seeks to promote access to justice for the poor, vulnerable and marginalised in the country, where I have been trained as a paralegal.

My work majorly involves representing prisoners who are unable to afford a lawyer and educating them on their rights.

This has helped me cater for my child’s financial needs as I source for money to go back to school.

I would advise young women who find themselves pregnant to disclose such information to their families immediately to avoid stress and irrelevant questions later on. Sometimes, things with your partner may not end well, but your family will always be there for you.

When dating, look for a man who is responsible and who will love and accept your child unconditionally. Do not introduce your child to just anyone you are dating unless it is a serious relationship.

But most important of all, accept your child and don’t be afraid to disclose that you are a parent.

So far, motherhood has taught me that a child is a gift. Being a parent is such an important part of who I am and I have learnt to stop hiding that part of me.