Spouse envy: What causes it, and how can you banish it?

Some time back, a friend admitted to me that he was jealous of his wife’s successful career.

“The other day I was ironing my wife’s dress when I received a text message from her, “Home late. Still at lunch,” it read.

“Fine”, I texted back. And then I let the hot iron linger a little too long on the dress she wanted to wear for a glamorous event the next day.”

The good thing is that he recognised this emotion for what it is, and hopefully, he worked on this negative emotion.

What causes envy between spouses, and how can we deal with it?

WHAT IS ENVY

The dictionary defines envy as “a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.

Or desire to have a quality, possession, or other desirable thing belonging to someone else.”

It is an emotion, a ‘resentful longing’, and or a ‘desire’ that one has in relation to something that someone else has and he or she doesn’t.

Envy is essentially due to two things, namely competition and comparison.

And in a modern capitalist society like ours, where there is competition everywhere and in everything, envy is likely to be a common issue.

The question to answer here is; how should a spouse respond to a partner who has achieved great success?

Happily, you would say. After all, her success is your success, right? But this, unfortunately, is not always the case.

Couples too can get caught up in the rat race, trying to get ahead of each other and sometimes, trying to pull each other down.

To a big extent, this is a problem of the modern family where both partners are either employed, or in business. It is an even bigger challenge in situations where the woman is in a position to compete with the man by either earning more or having a business that is performing better.

DEALING WITH ENVY

Couples who find themselves running on competition mode should really reconsider their feelings, and where they emanate from.

Competition is only healthy when it is working for you, not against you, as is the case when it happens in a marriage.

But the competition happens probably because of other challenges in the relationship.

For instance, there are those who were mistreated by their spouses when they did not have a source of income.

That creates the feeling that the money your partner has is his or hers and when one gets an opportunity to make their own, the likelihood is that he or she will try to outdo the other.

The other possible reason is when one partner has a low self-esteem, and therefore feels threatened by the one doing well, or better.

This kind of person needs to be assured of his or her role, even if it is of little or no direct monetary value.

The partners should also plan together on all aspects related to running the home so than no one feels left out.

Finally, there is the very sensitive issue of how roles are shared in the home.

Traditionally, men were providers, while women were in control of the home.

UPSET BALANCE

It might seem that the entry of women into the money economy has upset the balance, but this is not entirely the case.

There is still need for a leadership structure, albeit negotiated to fit in the modern setup.

Such a structure helps to reduce competition, and instead rallies family resources for the common good.

Envy, if not nipped at the bud, will grow into its more virulent form—jealousy, which can bring down your marriage pretty fast.