Why my man Trump will still carry the day
Last Monday, I considered going to school — I even woke up and dressed up.
My stay at home was not as interesting as I had anticipated. Fiolina, the laugh of my life, was not laughing with me. She refused to take care of me the way a proper patient should be taken care of, saying I was not sick. Just imagine I was still being served kunde and sukuma at a time when my appetite was yearning for fish, matumbo, rice and chapati.
With no good food to look forward to, I started missing the staffroom — its stories and banter, and of course the 10 o’clock tea and lunch. That’s why I wanted to go back to school. But once I remembered the many lessons that Kuya had assigned me, and the fact that there was no BBI between Bensouda and I, I decided not to go. Luckily a day later, I found something to preoccupy me — the US elections.
As you know, when it comes to current affairs, I am the most informed person in Mwisho wa Lami. And so I spent the better part of Tuesday listening to BBC Radio to understand the elections better.
We woke up on Wednesday morning to lots of tension over the elections, and depending on who you listened to, Trump was losing or winning. I spent the morning chatting with Pius, a staunch supporter of Biden. I had only heard of Biden two days earlier, but, as you know, I was rooting for Trump, who I have always supported.
Pius held that Biden was going to win. “Who knows Biden?” I asked. He told me Biden was Obama’s vice-president, something that I doubted given that Biden looked much older than Obama. When I ran out of bundles, I left for Hitter’s.
I arrived before noon and to my surprise, the place was full to the brim. From Nyayo to Tito, Rasto to Alphayo, Tocla to Kizito, they were all there.
“Uhuru may ban alcohol today,” said Rasto. “So wacha tukunywe leo inaweza kuwa ya mwisho.”
“He should close,” said Tito. “Hii corona inamaliza watu wetu.” He then counted people who had reportedly died of Covid. Rasto dismissed him, saying they had died of other ailments.
“The government still wants to eat money, hawajatosheka,” said Alphayo.
We soon moved to US elections, an area that I was the undisputed source of information. It was Kizito who started by saying that Trump would be beaten. “That is good,” said Alphayo. “Obama needs to beat him, we need Obama back.”
“Obama retired and cannot be president again,” Kizito corrected him. However, he could not convince Alphayo and Rasto that Obama, who was much younger, could not contest while Trump, an old man, was allowed to vie.
When they were told that Trump was running against Biden, Alphayo, Nyayo and Rasto said they had never heard of Biden, which meant that Trump was going to win. “Plus he is the president, tell me one country where a president has lost an election. It is impossible,” declared Rasto.
“Even Raila led here but alifika wapi?” Alphayo reminded us when Kizito said Biden was leading. “America sio Kenya, you can’t rig,” said Tito, unconvincingly. Kizito, who kept checking his phone, updated us on the happenings.
“Michigan and New York are looking good. Biden will win the electoral college,” he said looking at me
“Remember Trump is the president, when those Electoral College delegates meet, I am sure many will change and vote for Trump, he has the money.” I said; keen to show off my knowledge of the US elections, especially how the Electoral College works.
“No, they don’t have to meet,” said Kizito. “Once the election results are declared, all the electoral votes in that state go to the winner, and Biden now just needs 32 and he will be in,” he said then looked at his phone. “In fact he has won Michigan, he now just needs 22.” I was not going to be left behind; I had to show that I knew some states. “But remember Trump will win in Ohio and Idaho,” I said. “Those have more electoral votes than Michigan.” I was not sure of this, I had heard the two states mentioned on BBC, and I loved the names.
“What am I hearing?” asked Alphayo, “You mean Bukhayo and Idakho people are also voting in America? We should then also vote,” he said. Kizito just laughed it off.
We then stopped listening to President Kenyatta as he addressed the nation on Covid measures, and we were happy there was no lockdown. Saphire arrived just after the president’s speech. “Dre what are you doing here?” he asked, standing some distance from me. “I thought you are in quarantine after you got contracted Covid?”
“Don’t worry, I had some symptoms but I am okay and on sick-off this week,” I said. “What!” Exclaimed Kizito. “And I have all along been seated next to you!” He removed a bottle of sanitiser from his pocket and sanitised his hands, mouth, eyes and noses. “Let me kill the virus before it enters my body,” he said then left.
Within minutes, people started leaving, and Hitler begged me to leave, so ‘I would stop chasing his customers away’. I obliged, and went home. I was woken up the next morning by Pius. “Biden is taking this thing,” he said. “He now just needs six votes and Nevada will deliver this.” I disconnected his call.
Despite his education, Pius did not seem to understand politics. There was no way Trump would lose. Sitting presidents do not lose elections. Kibaki did not lose, Putin never loses, Uhuru did not lose, Kagame has never lost, Magufuli couldn’t lose, and Museveni will not lose.
