What it is like co-parenting in the age of technology

In the past few years, traditional gender roles have become more of the exception than the rule. Many families are taking a modern approach to parenting, from reversing gender roles to fully co-parenting and everything in between. But is it easier co-parenting in the age of technology?

Many celebrities have taken to co-parenting openly, but being under public scrutiny often leaves them caught up in fights that involve their children.

Earlier this month, Ugandan socialite Zari Hassan dispelled rumours that she and former boyfriend and father of her two children, Tanzanian singer Diamond Platnumz, were getting back together.

On arrival at the Julius Nyerere International Airport with her children, Zari said: “I just brought the kids because their father wants to see them, it’s been two years. We are co-parenting and even if he has somebody, I can still come because it’s home for the kids regardless of what happened between us. A lot of people are saying we have gotten back together but that is not true, I'm just here for the kids.” The two broke up in 2017.

Last month, vlogger Maureen Waititu opened up on social media, sharing her frustrations with gym instructor Francis Kiarie, popularly known as FrankieJustGymIt, blaming him for not playing his part in the co-parenting arrangement. This led to a few days of calling each other out on social media on co-parenting lapses as they both said they had had enough.

Frankie accused her of denying him access to their son during his fifth birthday in a post on Instagram. The vlogger and TV host responded in a long rant on YouTube denying his claims, instead accusing Frankie of seeking clout using their children.

Frankie then responded in a 33-minute video, addressing Maureen directly and even providing screenshots meant to help clear his name and add weight to his defence.

Covid-19 lockdowns

Yet it is not celebrities alone caught up in this. Less-known parents find themselves trying to manoeuvre the complex landscape now complicated by challenges such as Covid-19 lockdowns and other protocols.

Alice, a 32-year-old a mother of three – a 10-year-old, an eight-year-old and an 11-month-old – co-parents with the father of her first two sons. “It has definitely not been easy, but we keep learning along the way. After our separation in 2014, I raised the boys alone for more than a year. We even saw a counsellor but the guidelines were not being followed.”

In 2019, the man took Alice to the children’s court to try and get full custody of the boys. Alice, a mediator by profession, had to request the judge for mediation, where new ground rules were set and a common ground found.

 “He gets to see the children when he’s available. He’s usually very busy with work. But they get to stay with him over the holidays and I have them over the weekend then. We only use direct transfers for money, which we agreed to go 50/50 on all the boys’ needs. We prefer using written forms of communication, especially text messages. The boys also get to talk to their father on most days, but they are free to call him whenever,” she says.

Alice shares the top three lessons she has learnt since she started co-parenting: “Stop having expectations on what a co-parenting relationship should look like. They will make you lose the bigger picture. Play your role. Things might end up flowing.”

Faith, 35, a mother of two – a 13-year-old boy and a two-year-old girl from different fathers, says she has no co-parenting agreement with her son’s father “since we cut off communication a while back”.

“However, I currently live with my daughter’s father, who has two children from a previous marriage,” he says.

The girl’s father works in Nairobi while his two children live in Thika. He gets to visit them over the weekends.

Modern parenting

“The back-and-forth travel between our two families has been a bit hard because it takes some time for children to understand such situations. But what matters most is that my partner and I are open-minded.”

She adds, “My children know their siblings. The bond between them is growing stronger, especially since we spend most weekends and holidays together.”

The two children get to talk to their father every day through WhatsApp video calls. Faith says she also makes a point of calling them every two days, even though she tells them that her line is always open for them to call at any time. She also supports them by shopping for food and groceries.

Modern parenting distributes the responsibility more equally between parents and allows for each to spend more quality time with their children.

Couples and families of different backgrounds are adopting co-parenting techniques that suit them: From traditional couples and divorced partners to same-sex couples and blended families.

Additionally, with the rise in numbers of technology tools and apps, modern parents have a lot of options to choose from. Many of them solve the biggest co-parenting problems out there: scheduling and communication.

Co-parents often need to communicate about a variety of issues, not least of which is what's going on in the children’s lives. Communication about finances such as school fees and hospital bills are important as well.

And even when parents do their best, whether living together or apart, messages often get missed. When raising one child from two homes, miscommunication may be attributed to malice, leading to increasing mistrust and poor co-parenting.

There are lessons to be learnt from the celebrities. Hollywood celebrity couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have had their ups and downs – half the time we hear of ugly custody battles and estranged children, while the other half is the two releasing carefully prepared statements on how they’re working together for the sake of their children.

Since their 2016 split, Jolie and Pitt have struggled to find a new normal for themselves and their six children, partly because of the extreme circumstances (Pitt’s drinking and allegations of child abuse) that led to their divorce.

Child Services

In an interview with GQ in 2017, Pitt said, “I was really on my back and chained to a system when Child Services was called. I heard one lawyer say, ‘No one wins in court—it’s just a matter of who gets hurt worse.’ And it seems to be true, you spend a year just focused on building a case to prove your point and why you’re right and why they’re wrong, and it’s just an investment in vitriolic hatred.”

Jolie has been careful not to speak negatively of Pitt to the Press – but it’s clear that she’s worried about the toll this has taken on her children. “They’ve been very brave. They were very brave,” she told Vanity Fair in 2017. “We’re all just healing from the events that led to the filing…we care for each other and care about our family, and we are both working towards the same goal.”

Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick have been navigating their co-parenting relationship on their reality show Keeping Up with the Kardashians. The pair, who split up multiple times between 2006 and 2017, share three children.

In April 2019, the two recorded a video for her lifestyle brand POOSH in which they talked about co-parenting challenges they’d faced.

“I think the hardest part [of co-parenting] was when we both started new relationships,” Kardashian said, referencing Scott’s ex Sofia Richie and her ex Younes Bendjima. ”… that caused fights between you and I about introducing the kids. We had to literally go to therapy to talk…to be able to communicate together.

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The dos and don'ts of sharing parental roles

Dos

•  Commit to making co-parenting an open dialogue with your ex. Arrange to do this through email, texting, voicemail, letters or face-to-face conversation.
• Rules should be consistent and agreed upon at both households. As much as they fight it, children need routine and structure. Issues like meal time, bed time, and completing chores need to be consistent. The same goes for school work and projects.
• Commit to positive talk around the house. Make it a rule to frown upon your children talking disrespectfully about your Ex even though it may be music to your ears.
• Agree on boundaries and behavioural guidelines for raising your children so that there's consistency in their lives, regardless of which parent they're with at any given time.
• Create an Extended Family Plan. Negotiate and agree on the role extended family members will play and the access they'll be granted while your child is in each other's charge.
• Recognise that co-parenting will challenge you - and the reason for making accommodations in your parenting style is not because your ex wants this or that, but for the needs of your children.
• Be aware that children will frequently test boundaries and rules, especially if there's a chance to get something they may not ordinarily be able to obtain. This is why a united front in co-parenting is recommended.
• Update often. Although it may be emotionally painful, make sure that you and your ex keep each other informed about all changes in your life, or circumstances that are challenging or difficult. It is important that your child is never, ever, ever the primary source of information.
• Go for the high notes. Each of you has valuable strengths as a parent. Remember to recognise the different traits you and your ex have and reinforce this awareness with your children.

Don'ts

•  Don't expose children to conflict. Research shows that putting children in the middle of your adult issues promotes feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing children to question their own strengths and abilities.
• Don't jump to conclusions or condemn your ex. When you hear things from your children that make you bristle, take a breath and remain quiet. Remember that any negative comments your children make are often best taken with a grain of salt. It's always good to remain neutral when things like this happen. Don't be an unbalanced parent. Resist being the fun guy or the cool mum when your children are with you. Doing so backfires once they return to your ex and sets into motion a cycle of resentment, hostility and a reluctance to follow rules for all involved.
• Don't accuse. Discuss. Never remain quiet if something about your ex's co-parenting is troubling you. If you don't have a good personal relationship with your ex, create a working business arrangement. Communication about co-parenting is extremely vital for your child's healthy development. The best approach when communicating is to make your child the focal point: "I see the kids doing this-and-that after they return home from their visit. Any ideas of what we can do?" Notice there's not one "you" word in there. No accusatory tone or finger-pointing either.

- Psychology Today