I’m a born-again 50-year-old divorcee, but I have not found a worthy wife

Hello, I am born again man. I made the error and found myself cohabiting with an unborn-again person, a non-believer, and it was so rocky until 2016 when we divorced. I have three grown kids, but remarrying has been difficult. I am almost 50 and I still ardently serve God in church. I've spent a lot of time and money trying to build relationships, but I have not gotten a woman worthy of being a wife, either in or out of the church. What should I do?

I’m genuinely a believer and have very genuine intentions, but can't find a woman who is equally genuine, and has "desirable" attributes or "qualities". The one person I met and we have been in communication in church for nearly two years is "nusu nusu" both in her seriousness and even in looks/ qualities.

My dilemma now is everyone in my family is a graduate and have all married salaried graduates, and I feel I should have also found someone with those attributes. I am a postgraduate holder, and it would work better when you have someone with "matching", or at least closer qualities- the academic and financial gap between the two of us should not be too big. Otherwise, it's human for one to feel misused.

But I can't find someone with such qualities and who has God's grace, a very gracious woman with whom we can together bring up children with no issues. I've even prayed about it, for very long. What do you advise? Can one get such a Godly partner through, or from, this forum? Or do you know of such a person with such a desire to connect us?

My heart desires a partner who is educated to graduate level, is employed or awaiting a job and is mature - of any age- from the 20s onwards, and is a genuine, serious believer- a pastor would even be a plus, and preferably with no kids (some may say that's being selfish)- but the reason is I have children, and she'll also want to have some with me. She should be of average weight and size.

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READER’S ADVICE

You come across as a religious fanatic. And like all fanatics, you don't have an opinion, opinions hold you. I suspect through your pompous fundamentalism, you frustrated a good woman out of your life after she endured a loveless marriage and granted you an offspring. You now want to spoil the happiness of another good lady. Get out of your assumed high pedestal and learn to be more accommodating of other people's beliefs and opinions. Until you learn introspection and change, stay single.

Drive counseling agency, Kitengela

Too unfortunate that in your early 50s you are still chasing women in their 20s. The fact that everyone in your family has happily married a graduate and you haven’t, speaks a lot about you. Maybe you might be the problem, the 13th disciple of Jesus. I encourage you to get your age mate, preferably an experienced woman who is off the streets and ready to settle, not these young university graduates who will be too religious to you and treat you as a "mubaba". 

You should consider achievable and realistic pillars; setting standards that can be achieved. A God-fearing, educated graduate who is employed or waiting for a job and a staunch believer are good but are strenuous standards to work with. A perfect mate doesn't exist in the modern world. You have to pick one from the grass and mould her into that alpha woman you crave for. If she doesn't have a job, start a hustle for her. Not a firm believer? Nurture her into that God-fearing woman you crave for.

Lastly, do not let external pressure influence you when it comes to decision-making. You are going to choose somebody whom you will stay with and not them for the rest of your life. She will either build or destroy you so move at your own pace. 

Wilberforce Kuvai, Poet and Writer

It is good you confessed but there is a second step of repentance. You should disassociate yourself from non-believers. If you want to go a sacred way pray, and ask God. Secondly, don't set the bar too high. Are you looking for a CEO or a wife? Thirdly, don't compare yourself to your brothers. You can't be the same. Keep praying as you trust the process.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

They say age is just a number until it hits you. At 50, you should understand that putting so many expectations on a woman you are yet to meet should be the last thing on your mind. The chemistry between intimate partners applies differently and does not come with expectations like you have outlined. So all you need to do is loosen your seat belt, go out even if it means outside the church, and mingle with people and you will get a woman to settle down with. Be flexible. 

Juma Felix

From your dilemma, one reads so much inconsistency. First, how do you gauge one's faith if you can't recognise that we all have our shortcomings? Second, the woman you are looking for is imagined and can't be found in this world. Finally, you should not put so much pressure on yourself, it's your life and not anyone else. Soon enough, you will find someone that suits you, only after you have reduced your expectations.

Chumba, Kigali

It is normal and okay to have and state your heart desires but you have to be ready to work to achieve them. It may take longer or they may never be realised. So prepare your heart not to be overwhelmed if you don't achieve because unmet expectations will cause anxiety.You mentioned you are born again, my advice is as you place your prayer requests to God, pray for the holy spirit to guide you. There are many who will present themselves with those qualities but in disguise. After a few years again you will get separated because you couldn't sort out your differences.

 As much as you are praying for your heart’s desires, you may not find all these qualities in the woman the Lord will direct you to and so it is your task to bring out these qualities in the woman you will find. Let me refer to the case of gospel singer Guardian Angel and Esther Musila. They work as a team and it's evident even if they don’t do everything together. 

A woman with children can take care of you better than one without. Also, a woman who is not a graduate may be in a better position to support you and your children and even help you accumulate wealth better than you may have imagined. It’s okay to get a born-again woman. So brother getting a wife with all the qualities you want may be tricky. 

Grace 

EXPERT’S TAKE

Based on your narration the one thing I agree with is that it is important to have a partner who shares your beliefs and values. However, that said, it will be near impossible to find perfection no matter how hard you look. It is not always smooth sailing all the time in any relationship. Issues will arise and what matters is the maturity to resolve those issues with minimal disharmony. Because you have not found this person in church or out of church it would be prudent for you to review your criteria and ask yourself if your set standards are too high. Please note, your family members being married to partners of a certain education level does not mean they are happy in their marriages.

You need to find a woman who can be a friend in your journey. You must also be flexible in accommodating their interests that may not align with yours. There has to be a balance in a relationship otherwise your plug-and-play perception of the right fit will evade you. 

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

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