I’m 25 dating a 45-year-old married man. He won’t commit or provide for me

I’m 25 dating a 45-year-old married man. He won’t commit or provide for me. Photo | Photosearch

What you need to know:

 I have insisted on quitting the relationship but he still insists that he'll change and make everything formal.

My name is Ann. I met a guy at my workplace. He is 45 and I'm 25. We fell in love and he opened up to me that he was married. He insisted that he will make me his second wife. He's gone to my parents and even interacted with my brothers. This guy has never done anything for me, I pay every bill and even buy him gifts but he has never reciprocated. We've been together for two years yet his friends or family have no idea of my existence. I have insisted on quitting the relationship but he still insists that he'll change and make everything formal. I don't love this man anymore because I feel he's just using me. Please advise me.


This is a man on a mission to enjoy a myriad of thrills from you. He does not care whether he provides, or whether you are known to his family and friends. All he cares about is his personal interest which you are providing. Have a talk and in case he shows no signs of prioritising your interest then you have the option to run away and never look back. You are still young to get another man who will value you and provide you with every support that you need. 

Juma Felix

You can't find love in someone who has already given his heart to another person. This guy is using you as solace in his bad moments. Coming to see your parents and interacting with your siblings is not a reason to think he loves you and will certainly marry you. His parents know only his wife. Read the red lights and find the love of your life. Never be an object to set apart what God has put together.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Mitume, Kitale

It is commendable that after two years you are realising that there is no positive feature in the relationship. Please confide in a close friend and take a walk from this man. It is likely to be hard but don't look back, you deserve better. And as you walk away strive to be more assertive in your life as this also improves your self-esteem. Take a walk.

Drive Counseling Centre-Kitengela

At 45, a good number of marriages are affected by midlife issues and through you he got an outlet and he's not willing to let go. It's interesting that at your age you're ready to take second place but he appears non-committal, in fact, he has shielded you from his marriage and family. My take is: Always take time to love and observe before you decide on a life partnership. You are still very young, open your eyes and move on, there are many fish in the sea and what you wanted is already taken. There's a difference between being loved and being taken advantage of. 

W. Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri


At this point, your relationship can only be described as an affair that has lasted two years. Whether he means to have you as a second wife or not. The promise of that kind of commitment should not be the avenue you use to validate a man's bond with you. After all, he already has a wife. A man wanting multiple wives is not an issue. The problem lies in the fact that he uses the promise to lure you into his world. It keeps him relevant in your relationship. It would appear that your reference of you paying all the bills is somewhat odd especially when you consider the social construct of a man's duties to his woman. In the modern age genuine partners share in life so that no one feels like they are being used. Everyone in my opinion should bring something to the table. In your case, it has been two years. The odds of him changing are slim. I would advise that you look for a person who can be your friend instead of a man whose only selling point is marriage. Being married is a ceremony however to have a near enough happy and fulfilling life you must want more than just to share titles with another human. 

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor


My relationship is weird. I met my husband on campus, dated for two years, got pregnant and we married in 2009. He got a job and he started coming home late or in the morning. He started cheating on me and worse off with my neighbour. Life went on and it became really hard for me. I went back to school and at some point, he couldn't support me and the baby. We separated. After two years apart, I got a good job while his contract ended that's when he started looking for us. We reunited but he had impregnated another woman while I was away. Things didn't go well as he was jobless and inferiority complex set in. He could drink and storm to my working station (sema embarrassment). I am the one who used to foot all bills in the house and I even paid his fees when he decided to go back to further his education. He would still come home drunk and disorderly. 

Due to the stress and other issues, I started confiding in my male colleague whom we eventually got so close and eventually got intimate. It's eight years down the line and I’m still in love with him. We can't let go of each other and I always regret why we even reunited with my husband who drinks like crazy, comes home late drunk, wakes up the kids, and causes drama. He sometimes can't make it home so he is brought like luggage. I dislike him and hate him for his drinking habits and lack of good sex.

 I really love my mpango wa kando and I feel he understands me better and we click a lot. I gave birth to a child with him yet my husband doesn't have a clue. Please I need advice on what to do or am I crazy myself? Keep me anonymous please.

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