He didn’t tell me about his wife, and cheated with other women, should I quit the marriage?

Q: My husband married me when I had one child. He loved me with my child and I gave birth to a second child. But when I was pregnant I realised that he has another wife at home and they had a child. When I asked him about his wife, he told me that I'm his choice. He had been forced to marry her and he doesn't love her. I was unhappy with him but I love him too much. After giving birth I employed a nanny to assist me with house chores and raising the child. After some days I realised that he had been chatting her up. He had started seducing her. He asked for forgiveness and I accepted his plea. We continued with our relationship well without conflicts until last year March when he saw an SMS “hae beb bado nakupenda” from my ex in my Facebook account. He claimed that I had been talking to him but since we separated I've never talked to or called my ex. 

To my surprise, he walked out on me and had an affair. He gave the woman my contacts which she used to abuse me. She scolded me, telling me how my husband doesn't love me. After five months of silence, he apologised and I forgave him since he had no job. He promised not to hurt me but he couldn't move in because he didn’t want to burden me. His first wife (the one he left at home) gave birth to another man’s baby and they held a crisis meeting in their home. His relatives demanded that he should bring back his first wife because he can't marry from another tribe whatsoever. On the side, he is endlessly demonstrating how he loves me and he can't abandon me. My question: Is this man serious with me or he is playing me? Please I'm confused. I need your advice. Should I leave him and concentrate on my life or what should I do?

A: Thank you for your question. From your letter, your husband is in contact with four women including you and this has been happening while you are still married to him. The hard truth is that your husband is a serial cheater and it is hard to change him.  You seem to genuinely love your husband but the sad reality is, he is not committed to this relationship. He is a man who has many lives and a lot of complications.

For instance, he already had another wife and failed to disclose this to you. He cheated with your nanny and then had another affair after accusing you of speaking with your ex. 

Using another woman to abuse you shows he does not respect you or the marriage and therefore you need to make a firm decision on whether this is the man you really need in your life. Your marriage has been marred by mistrust which has left you feeling hurt, angry, resentful and pained.    This can be seen by the fact that he easily leaves the union and you are ready to take him anytime because you ‘love’ him. You need to focus on yourself and your children.  Please contact a marriage counsellor to help sort out how you are going to navigate the situation and find a fulfilling, happy life. Should you leave?  Listen to your gut.  If the pain of staying with your hubby outweighs the joy you have with him, tune into that because it is telling you something important.  Only you know what is right for you.