Elaborate plans to transform myself into a better human

If there is a period in the school calendar when the time of a deputy HM is wasted, it is during KCPE exams. Since Prof Magoha stepped into Jogoo House, he has made exams a police operation, with those involved busy and everyone else expected to stay far from school — except the deputies, who are still expected to go to school – to do nothing!

Considering that a few days just before KCPE began I had dispatched the never-satisfied, night-meat-eating Brandon to my sister Yunia, I was at home alone, with no one to talk to. Except for the occasional visits by beautiful Rumona. Last weekend, I was on my best behaviour, hoping that Fiolina would visit.

This would have been the first time in years that we would have been together just the two of us. We would have bonded, spent quality time together, talked and talked, and done more together.  But she neither came nor called, answered my calls or responded to my SMS.

It wasn’t until Monday that she sent an SMS saying she had been very busy with the children over the weekend and thus did not find time to respond to my calls and texts. “Gosh, the children are such a mouthful, especially considering that I started my driving classes on Sato. See you soon dear. Peace.” Two things stood out for me in that SMS. One was that my Fiolina was in a driving school, which meant that we would soon be having a car.

The second thing was her English. For Fiolina to use the word mouthful was such progress. Had I not referred to a dictionary, I would never have known what it meant.

Deliberate actions

Since I had nothing to do that day, other than just sit in school and watch the HM and Centre Manager administer exams, I had lots of time to reflect about my life, and plan for my immediate future. I realised that unless I changed and took some deliberate actions in my life, I would not be in control of things, which is another way of saying that Fiolina would take control of my life, decide everything I do, and I would be nothing but a mere observer in my marriage, and a by-stander in my life.

I used those three idle days to think, and by the time KCPE was over, I had come up with a solid plan that if I follow for a few months, I will become a great, admirable man, and amazing husband so that Fiolina, her big job and lots of money notwithstanding, will be proud to introduce me as her husband. Furthermore, she will become submissive to me, even though submission has never been her stronghold. I called it ‘project upgrade my software’. Everyone is expected to just see for themselves the results, but for you, dear friends and enemies, I will give you a sneak preview of #ProjectUpgradeSoftware.

Books – I will be reading lots of books. When I am with Fiolina and her colleagues at work, I need to project the image of a widely-read man, an informed man with whom you can discuss anything under the sun.

I am sure many of Fiolina’s colleagues were just lucky to get the jobs, or their relatives helped them, and I will prove that I am intellectually superior to them by quoting Shakespeare, Robin Sharma, Jim Collins, Chimamanda Adichie, Simon Sinek, Paolo Coelho, Steve Corvey and Malcolm Gladwell as easily as they will be talking about Jug Daniels, Babu Owino, BBI, Magufuli, Tanga Tanga, Referendum and Tik Tok.

Dowry – With Fiolina having a better job, it is quite possible that her people may start looking down upon me.  Some have started humiliating me, with Tocla, Fiolina’s brother, walking around telling everyone that his sister is in charge of our house. I will have to put such stories to an end. And what better way to do it than to add some dowry – even just two cows. This will have to be a public event with many people invited, including her colleagues and boss. Not only will that cement our marriage, it will also send out a strong message while ensuring that I mark my territory.

Fitness – Going forward, I will be running twice a week – among other exercises — and be watching my diet. In just two months, I will have my sexy back!

Tighter

Lifestyle upgrade – While I have been the best dressed teacher this side of the Sahara, I realise that I have to elevate my dressing game. I will still retain my stylish, iconic green Kaunda suits, but I will consider making them a little tighter, and short sleeved so that my amazing contours, growing muscles and tall, athletic, sexy body can be seen and admired by all.

I will match the Safari boots that Fiolina bought me with colourful socks. And that is not all. I will be going to kinyozi every two days. Add the fact that I recently bought a perfume.  There is more — I bought spectacles in Kakamega that I will be wearing more regularly.

Education – This year I must do something that Fiolina can never do, will never do. I will complete my degree. I know my many enemies of development will say that Statistics and I can never be in the same Whatsapp group. Washindwe! Whether I will use my money or mind, through legal means or illegal means, I will overcome statistics, complete the degree and graduate on December17, 2021! So that when talking to people, I can always drop in a statement like: “When I was pursuing my undergrad studies at Kenyatta University, I remember this day when my professor…” So ladies and gentlemen, sit back, and see for yourself how Mwalimu Andrew is going to transform himself into a unique, admirable, amazing piece of God’s creation. Wenye wivu wajinyonge!

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