Dating may be scary, but it’s also fun

ILLUSTRATION | IGAH

Have you just ended a long relationship? Then you’ll know how painful it is being alone again.

Especially if you feel you are the one who was rejected.

It is not just in your imagination. The suffering is completely real and overwhelming, because losing a partner activates the circuits in the brain involved in craving and addiction.
Men and women are also programmed to bond together, so going without intimacy means suppressing some very basic emotional and physical needs.

All of which means that if you have lost a long-term partner, the only sure way to completely recover is to find another one!

Easier said than done though, because you are probably so scared of being rejected again that you are reluctant to go looking at all.

But you must, because the moment you become close to a new partner, everything in your life will start to feel better.

Love faster

Men are usually more willing to go looking than women, but they also tend to have fewer friends, depend on their partners more and fall in love faster than women do.
So while they are more likely to remarry after a breakup, any setback in their search means they are also more likely to despair.

And despite their deeper need for intimacy, women not only find getting started again more difficult, they also tend to have unrealistic expectations. Like wanting someone who has all the good points of their last partner and none of the bad ones – which is a sure way of ruling out all the possibilities!

Women often fear that they will never be able to let themselves get close to a man again, or that no-one will want them – especially as they get older.

They worry about their weight, their skin and so on, but actually men are just as anxious about their bodies – and far less critical of women’s than you might imagine.

Chances are you also find the whole idea of dating pretty frightening after a breakup. What was exciting the first time around feels impossible now.

You feel you don’t know what is expected. But no one else has any idea either!

Years ago dating had rules, but not anymore. So just trust your instincts! Dating may seem scary, but it’s also great fun.

And don’t miss any opportunities of meeting new people, either at work or socially.

Because the bigger your network, the more likely you are to meet a new partner.

Really compatible
Make sure all your friends know you are looking, only hang out in places where your sort of people go, quickly let a new date go if they show signs that you’re not really compatible, and don’t get pressured into anything that might create long-term problems, like moving in together too soon, lending money or getting married or pregnant before you are ready.

Take your time, and enjoy the companionship of your new partner until you’re quite sure.