Don’t date to get married, date to get yourself the right spouse

Keep an eye out for red flags when you’ve just met someone, this is also where small talk comes in handy because it establishes one’s availability, background, career and interestsIssues often come up suddenly in a relationship and totally redefine it. The negative ones are often called ‘red flags.’Read: Red flags: Signs that your date might be manipulating youBut how you react to a red flag should depend on exactly where you are in your relationship. And flags vary. Some aren’t actually red at all and signal something positive, like kindness or empathy. Many are completely harmless, such as unusual interests. But a few, like anger outbursts or controlling behaviour, suggest that your new date might even be dangerous. These should not be ignored.Red flags are most useful when you’re checking out someone you’ve only just met. Making all the usual small talk that establishes their availability, background, career, interests and so on. That’s the best time to spot the signs that identify someone who’s personality or way of life doesn’t match yours. They can also stop you wasting time on someone who’s ultimately going to let you down. Because dating’s not about persuading someone to marry you. It’s about weeding out the one’s you shouldn’t.Read:  Here’s how to deal with your ex-husband’s new girlfriendContinue this process over your first few coffee dates. Eliminate anyone who tries to borrow money from you, touches their ring finger like something’s missing, communicates poorly and so on. Expect only a handful to last the course. She loses interest? Let her go. He shows signs of insecurity, personality disorders, infidelity? Let him go. She doesn’t treat you right? Let her go.So that, long before you’ve begun thinking about yourselves as an item, you’ve stopped dating anyone who’s showing significant red flags.Now you can start paying attention to smaller issues. ‘He still lives with his mother’, ‘She mostly texts in emojis’, ‘He makes his ex’s sound crazy’, ‘My friends don’t like her’, ‘He texted me nonstop, and then went completely silent for three days’…See a ‘pink’ flag like t his, and your new friend’s behaviour may just be a little odd. But once you’ve spotted one, you’ll probably see several more. Because the issues that make people untrustworthy often overlap.For example inappropriate disclosures, obsessive curiosity, unusual eye contact, rigid thinking, not keeping promises, poor empathy, excessive negativity, failing to respect your boundaries, and so on.See more than one or two of these and you’ll never really feel comfortable about your new friend. But just one? Talk it through together, and the chances are you’ll fix things.Read: True love tolerates one’s imperfectionsThe same is true when something happens after years of marriage. You eliminated people with serious problems while you were dating, didn’t you? So there were no red flags on your wedding day! But just recently your spouse has started developing some bad habits. Perhaps taking you for granted, drinking far too much, or acting suspiciously like a romance has started in the office.Don’t call a lawyer the minute you see anything like that. But don’t ignore it either! Gather your evidence, prepare your case, sit together quietly and talk it all out, constructively. And with luck you’ll soon be back on track.