Couples are rewriting intimacy rules by prioritising personal rest and well-being over the outdated belief that sharing a bed is the only path to marital harmony.
"I love my husband. I’m obsessed with him," says 41-year-old Margaret Nyokabi with a laugh. "But sleeping next to him? That’s another story. It’s like sharing a bed with a freight train."
According to the human resource professional, love doesn't always mean sharing the same bed. Margaret’s husband snores so loudly that restful nights became impossible. Three years ago, they made a decision that raised eyebrows among friends and family: they started sleeping in separate bedrooms.
This practice, often dubbed "sleep divorce," might sound ominous, but its proponents argue it’s anything but. For many couples, it’s not a sign of trouble but a strategy to keep their relationships strong.
Sleep disturbances aren’t just a minor annoyance—they can have serious consequences for health and relationships. Research published in the journal Sleep highlights how poor sleep can lead to heightened irritability, decreased empathy, and even increased conflict between partners.
For Nyokabi and her husband, separate sleeping arrangements became a lifesaver. "We were snapping at each other constantly," she says. "Now, we’re back to enjoying our mornings together instead of arguing over who kept who awake."
Is sleep divorce a new idea?
While the word is definitely new, the practice is not. Marriage therapist Grace Kariuki, who works with couples in both Kenya and the United States, notes that separate sleeping arrangements aren’t a modern invention. "In some African traditions, it was common for husbands and wives to have their own quarters," she says. "The idea of sharing a bed every night is, in many ways, a Western import."
Marriage therapist Grace Kariuki, who works with couples in both Kenya and the United States, notes that separate sleeping arrangements aren’t a modern invention.
In Japan, where sleep quality is highly valued, couples often sleep in different rooms or futons. Similarly, in the Victorian era, wealthy couples frequently had separate bedrooms as a mark of sophistication.
"The practice has historical roots, but in today’s world, it’s being redefined," says Kariuki. "Couples now use it as a tool for nurturing—not avoiding—their relationships."
Why do couples choose sleep divorce?
The reasons are as varied as the couples themselves. "When people are getting into a relationship, there are some things that they agree on," explains Faith Njogu, a marriage counselor with over seven years of experience based in Nairobi. "The boundaries and the meaning of marriage is what is resulting into the sleep separation arrangement."
However, Benjamin Zulu, a prominent Kenyan licensed counselor and life coach specialising in relationships, offers a warning about this growing trend. "You cannot escape from a real problem," Zulu asserts. "When things are not working, you are supposed to resolve them or dissolve a union." He describes sleep separation as a "necessary evil" at best and a dangerous form of relationship limbo at worst.
The experts identify multiple factors driving couples toward sleep separation. The most common ones being;health challenges, snoring and sleep habits, parenting issues and lifestyle clashes.
Benjamin Zulu, a Kenyan licensed counsellor and life coach specialising in relationships, offers a warning about this growing trend.
Experts say chronic conditions like sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome, or arthritis can make sharing a bed difficult. One partner’s tossing and turning can disrupt the other’s rest, leading to tension.
Faith Njogu, a Nairobi-based marriage counselor, observes this trend among older couples. "As people age, their sleep needs change. Health challenges become more common, and quality rest takes priority."
Snoring remains a leading cause of sleep disturbances. According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, 40 percent of adult men and 24 percent of adult women snore regularly.
"I tried everything—earplugs, sleeping pills, even recording his snoring to show him," Margaret recalls. "Nothing worked until we started sleeping apart."
Other mismatched habits, like one partner being a night owl and the other an early riser, can also lead to separate sleeping arrangements.
"When one partner works night-shift while the other works during the day, it can lead them to decide to sleep in different rooms or beds to avoid disrupting each other's sleep," Kariuki says.
Parents of young children often struggle to balance co-sleeping with intimacy. For some, sleeping separately becomes a way to manage parenting duties while still carving out space for themselves.
"I sleep in the baby’s room, and my husband sleeps in ours," says Susan Mwangi, a mother of two. "It’s not ideal, but it’s temporary. Once the kids grow older, we’ll revisit our sleeping setup." Kariuki specifically mentions cases involving "restless babies who may have difficulty sleeping through the night due to conditions like colic" and parents engaged in sleep training for their young children.
Lifestyle clashes is another notable contributor to couples sleeping apart. Nyokabi’s husband loved falling asleep to the news. "I’d be ready to drift off, and suddenly there’d be breaking news about a bombing or political crisis," she says.
The journey to separate beds wasn't an easy decision. Like many couples, she and her husband started their marriage sharing a bed, with Nyokabi particularly enjoying the intimacy of cuddling. However, the reality of sharing a sleeping space proved more challenging than anticipated.
"It would be cute for like 30 minutes," she recalls of their initial bedtime routine. "Can you imagine listening to war in Sudan or how Nigerians are fighting each other over religion while trying to fall asleep?" she quips. "And when there's breaking news, the volume goes up automatically. So you're deep in sleep, then suddenly there's breaking news!"
But several factors made peaceful sleep elusive: her husband's snoring, different hygiene preferences, and conflicting sleeping habits. Nyokabi is particular about cleanliness, insisting on fresh-smelling sheets and daily showers. Her husband, however, has different standards, sometimes going days without bathing – a habit that clashes with her desire for pristine bedding.
Njogu brings attention to additional lifestyle factors: "Some partners in these relationships are on drugs, and some are taking alcohol, some are smoking... you cannot cover ourselves with the same blanket because the smell of the cigarette or whatever is affecting me." She particularly emphasises the impact of "low class alcohol, which smells a lot, even smells in your breath when you're sweating and when you're sleeping."
Other couples face conflicts over room temperature, mattress preferences, or even bedtime rituals. "It’s amazing how these small things can snowball into big issues," Njogu says.
Faith Njogu is a marriage counsellor and relationship coach based in Nairobi. She notes that as people age, their sleep needs change.
Cultural and spiritual beliefs also play a significant role. Njogu explains that some couples practice sleep separation due to specific cultural or religious observations, such as during a woman's menstrual cycle. She also notes how polygamous marriage arrangements naturally lead to separate sleeping arrangements: "We have seen the man will have his own room where the women will be going. If he wants this person today, there is a person who should go to that room."
The psychological benefits of sleeping apart
Separate sleeping arrangements often result in improved mood, better communication, and reduced conflict. Research from the Sleep Foundation shows that well-rested couples report higher levels of satisfaction in their relationships.
"For some people, the idea of missing each other at night makes their time together more meaningful," says Kariuki. "It creates a sense of novelty."
Nyokabi agrees. "Now, when we cuddle on the couch or share breakfast, it feels more special," she says. "I don’t take it for granted anymore."
The solution to sleep separately emerged almost by accident for Nyokabi. Their teenage daughter was away at boarding school, and she decided to try sleeping in their second bedroom, where she could maintain her preferred environment of clean sheets and peaceful silence. "I instantly fell asleep," she remembers of that first night. "No snoring, no news, just pure silence and fresh sheets."
Initially, her husband would follow her to whichever room she chose, turning it into what Nyokabi describes as "a hide-and-seek game." The situation became serious enough that she temporarily moved to another town, finding a new job and a new life. Despite the physical distance, their emotional connection remained strong, particularly during their moments together.
What do experts say?
Not all relationship counselors view sleep divorce as a cure-all. This period of separation between Nyokabi and her husband aligns with what Benjamin Zulu, a Nairobi-based counselor describes as a legitimate use of sleep separation: "The only way that sometimes people use separate rooms for some time is when they are preparing to move out," he states. "It is a preparation stage. But it cannot be a life you have settled for."
Zulu warns against using separate sleeping as an excuse to avoid deeper issues.
"Marriage is about togetherness, not just in the physical sense but emotionally and spiritually," he says. "Sleeping apart can be helpful in some cases, but it should never replace open communication and problem-solving."
Zulu’s advice? Treat sleep divorce as a temporary solution rather than a permanent lifestyle. "If it’s about snoring or mismatched schedules, that’s one thing. But if you’re avoiding intimacy or emotional connection, that’s a red flag."
Njogu recommends building different types of intimacy: "I encourage them to build social intimacy a lot. Can you go to a football match together? Can you go to a movie together?" This approach aligns with maintaining connection while accommodating different sleep needs.
The stigma of sleep divorce
For many, the idea of separate sleeping arrangements still carries a social stigma. Nyokabi recalls the backlash she faced after sharing her story on social media.
"People accused me of not loving my husband enough," she says. "They assumed we were on the verge of divorce."
Others argue that the very term "sleep divorce" adds to the stigma. "We need to reframe the conversation," Kariuki says. "This isn’t about separation—it’s about making choices that benefit both partners."
In the West, celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have openly embraced unconventional relationship setups, including separate bedrooms. Their example has helped normalise the practice, but resistance remains strong.
The science of sleep and relationships
Sleep researchers emphasise the profound impact of rest on overall well-being. Lack of sleep can lead to a cascade of negative outcomes, including weight gain, weakened immunity, and even cognitive decline.
For relationships, the effects are just as serious. "Sleep deprivation makes us more reactive," Kariuki says. "Small disagreements can escalate into major arguments when we’re tired."
Studies also show that couples who prioritise sleep are more likely to engage in positive interactions and display empathy.
In a world that increasingly values individuality, sleep divorce challenges traditional notions of marriage. For couples like Nyokabi and James, it’s a way to redefine love on their own terms.
"Sleeping apart doesn’t mean we’re apart," Nyokabi says. "It means we’re working together to make our relationship stronger."
For others, the practice may not be the right fit. But as Njogu notes, "What matters is that both partners feel heard, respected, and valued. Whether you’re in the same bed or separate rooms, that’s what love is all about."
What’s next?
Could separate sleeping arrangements work for you? Experts agree it’s a deeply personal decision, one that requires mutual understanding and clear communication.
As societal norms evolve, more couples are embracing the idea that love doesn’t always mean sharing a bed. Sometimes, the best way to come closer is to sleep apart.
How menopause creates unexpected sleeping arrangements
"Menopause isn't just a biological milestone," says Dr Grace Kanyi, a consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist based in Meru. "It's a complex journey that can turn something as simple as a good night's sleep into an elusive dream."
Dr. Kanyi explains that women experiencing menopause often share how some nights they feel like they are fighting a silent battle because one moment they would be sound asleep and the next they are drenched in sweat.
These nocturnal disruptions are more than just uncomfortable inconveniences. They're complex physiological responses that can dramatically impact a woman's overall health and quality of life – and sometimes, her relationship.
"We're seeing a number of couples exploring sleeping apart during menopause," Dr. Kanyi reveals. Many couples are choosing to sleep in separate beds or even different rooms to manage the challenging symptoms of menopause. "It's not about relationship breakdown," she notes, "but about preserving both partners' health and well-being."
"When my wife night sweats became intense, we realised our traditional approach to sleeping together was no longer working. We decided to prioritise our individual sleep needs. It wasn't easy, but it's been a game-changer for our relationship." shares Patrick Mwangi, 55, a hardware owner in Kiambu county, whose wife is going through menopause.
Hot flashes and night sweats are just the tip of the iceberg. "What many women don't realise," Dr. Kanyi explains, "is that menopause can fundamentally alter sleep architecture. It's not just about feeling tired; it's about the very quality of rest."
Dr Grace Kanyi, a consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist. She has seen a several couples explore sleeping apart during menopause.
Research indicates that menopausal women often experience changes in their sleep patterns. The deep, restorative stages of sleep become shorter, while lighter, less refreshing sleep becomes more prevalent. Some women even develop sleep apnea, a condition where breathing periodically stops during sleep, adding another layer of complexity to their nocturnal challenges.
Mood swings and emotional volatility can create significant interpersonal challenges.
"Menopause isn't just a physical transition," Dr. Kanyi explains, "it's an emotional rollercoaster that can strain even the most resilient relationships." Women experiencing sudden, intense mood shifts might find themselves oscillating between irritability, depression, and anxiety, creating an unpredictable emotional environment that can be challenging for both partners.
Physical manifestations like joint pain, muscle aches, and unexpected headaches further complicate intimacy and shared sleeping spaces. "Some women experience such intense physical discomfort that even a gentle touch from a partner can feel overwhelming," she notes.
The consequences extend far beyond mere exhaustion. "Persistent sleep disruption can lead to a cascade of health issues," warns Dr. Kanyi. Chronic fatigue, increased risk of heart disease, compromised cognitive function, and heightened susceptibility to mood disorders are potential consequences of prolonged sleep disturbances.
"Create a sanctuary for sleep," Dr Kanyi advises. This means establishing consistent sleep schedules, creating relaxing bedtime routines, and transforming bedrooms into cool, dark, peaceful environments. She emphasises limiting screen time, managing stress through techniques like meditation and yoga, and being mindful of diet.
For some women, hormone replacement therapy (HRT) can provide significant relief. "But it's not a one-size-fits-all solution," Dr. Kanyi cautions. "Each woman's journey is unique, and treatment must be personalised."
"Menopause isn't a condition to be endured, but a transition to be understood and navigated with grace and support." says Dr Kanyi.
"Don't suffer in silence. Share your experiences, and remember that you're not alone in this journey." offers Dr Kanyi to women struggling with sleep.
"Every sleepless night is an opportunity to listen to your body, to understand its changing rhythms, and to discover a new, resilient version of yourself." she point out.
Practical tips for navigating sleep divorce
- Communicate openly: Discuss your reasons for wanting separate sleeping arrangements and ensure both partners are on board.
- Create rituals: Spend quality time together before bedtime—whether it’s watching a show, sharing a meal, or simply talking.
- Invest in comfort: If sharing a bed is non-negotiable, consider investing in solutions like a larger mattress, white noise machines, or separate blankets.
- Revisit the decision: Treat sleep divorce as an evolving choice rather than a permanent arrangement.
- Don't suffer in silence. Share your experiences, and remember that you're not alone in this journey.
- Listen to your body. Understand its changing rhythms, and to discover a new, resilient version of yourself
