Sex is not about performance. You need to really connect to your body for pleasure.
Mira came to the Sexology Clinic to learn how best to have sex. Her husband had run amok, accusing her of being sexually incompetent and naive.
“These days he does not hide his infidelity,” she lamented, “he takes pictures having sex with other women and sends them to me, it is painful.”
The problem was that Jesse, Mira’s husband, wanted sex a certain way which Mira was unable to offer.
“He says that I am poor in bed and cannot do what other women do to him,” she said, tears rolling down her cheeks, “he uses family money to chase sexual satisfaction, paying the women and hotel bills to get satisfied sexually.”
The couple, in their mid-30s, had been married for nine years and had four children. Jesse was a prosecutor while Mira was an accountant. They had not been sexual for eight months.
“I lost feelings, I do not know how to have sex anymore,” she said, “I have tried my best all these years because I value the marriage and I want to be there for my children, I am however breaking down, I cannot bear it any longer, please help me.”
I asked Mira what Jesse wanted sexually that she was unable to provide. She did not know.
“He says I cannot move my body like other women do; that I do not make noises during sex like them; that I don’t do the acrobatics well, that everything is just bad!” she explained.
And so, Jesse opted for sex with other women. He did not hide it. In fact, he made Mira aware of his every move in his pursuit for sexual adventures outside marriage.
Jesse was the first and only man that Mira was intimate with, as Jesse was her first love. They started off their sex lives without much hitch. Mira got her orgasms, and Jesse initially appeared happy. Trouble started when Mira discovered that Jesse was having an affair. He turned around and expressed his dissatisfaction with Mira’s sexual competence and blamed her for his sexual misbehaviours outside marriage.
Mira and Jesse were going through the effects of sexual perfectionism. When people believe that there is a defined way of having sex and that one must follow a script for satisfaction to happen then the situation is called sexual perfectionism.
Sexual perfectionism can be based on what has been prescribed by a community. There are communities that teach a defined way of having sex. It is important to note that sexuality is as diverse as people who have sex and so there can never be a community sanctioned protocol that serves everyone.
Further still, some people have their own self-inflicted scripts. They believe in a certain perfect way. Such people are cautious during sex, ensuring that the script is followed. They cannot concentrate and let go of themselves because they are in the duty of monitoring perfection. They get anxious when the script is interrupted, maybe because their partners did not, in the first place, follow their expected implementation plan.
The worst form of perfectionism is where it is partner prescribed. In this case your sex mate wants you to have sex in a certain way that they consider perfect. They blame you for poor performance if you do not meet their expectations. This is what Mira and Jesse were going through.
It is impossible to meet what has been prescribed as sexually perfect. As such, people who find themselves in this situation feel inadequate. Many have sexual dysfunctions such as erection problems, premature ejaculation, pain during sex, and inability to orgasm. Lose of desire for sex is the hallmark of perfectionism.
Problems of sexual perfectionism are not restricted to sexual dysfunctions. Many victims lose self esteem. They feel useless and ugly. They become anxious when they think of sex. Many go into sex aversion, a situation where they get extremely scared of a sexual situation.
“I think that is where I am doctor,” Mira interjected, “I feel I should walk out of this marriage, but I fear that my children will suffer.”
Mental health problems are a common side effect of sexual perfectionism. Many people lose sleep; others cry; some lose appetite and their weights go down. Other than anxiety, depression easily sets in.
“You have to help me out of this situation, I do not know how to move forward with my life,” Mira said sobbing.
The solution to sexual perfectionism is to go into sex as imperfectly as you are. Couples need to be counselled on this. There is beauty, fun and pleasure in exploration and discovery of what works for you and your partner. You cannot use scripts prescribed by other people or even by yourself when it comes to sex. A loving couple co-discovers their way which is unique and different from what the others do.
Sexual perfectionism is therefore not a problem that can be solved by one of the parties in a relationship; partners must agree to work together in discovering what works for them. This calls for couple therapy, first to heal the damage that perfectionism has caused, and secondly to recreate intimacy so that couples can discover what works for them.
