Reflections on fatherhood: Why are many men strangers in their homes?

A popular truism in my language says “nyumba ni mutumia.” Meaning the character and atmosphere of a home are determined by the woman.

In a recent bar talk, a man was narrating to his friend his ordeal of spending the night alone while his wife was away.

He recounted how he lost sleep in the middle of the night, woke up early to watch TV, and later left the house much earlier than usual.

He was justifying to his friends how he staggered to the bar so early that day. Well, don’t we men like excuses for being in the club!

A discussion ensued about how men find it so hard to sleep alone in their homes and especially how the bed feels so cold.

Men’s dependence on their wives goes beyond the bedroom; most homes are engulfed by an aura of desolation when the wife is absent.

The social construct of the family places the wife at the core of the family.

This can be traced to the primitive origins of the family from the hunter-gather lifestyle and its division of labour. The man was tasked with hunting mostly away from home, while the woman’s work was to gather the proceeds of the hunt.

In a typical African home, the woman is in charge of the fire, water, and food.

Whenever our mother was late, we would remain hungry and in the cold. As soon as she came, she would hew some firewood and within no time fire would be warming and lighting the house. And food would be cooking.

The narrative of the mother as the source of warmth in our homes perhaps stems from her custody of the fire.

The hunting instinct of men stands out from the fact they are the main purchasers of meat for the family, even though “they know nothing” about food!

A woman’s homemaking role is preserved over generations and zealously guarded by two gatekeepers. The first is the mother, who studiously coaches a daughter to become like her.

Questions like ‘what kind of a wife will you become?’ ‘how will your kitchen look like?’ ‘who will cook for your husband?’ are so commonly said by a mother to her daughter.

The other gatekeeper is the church.

One of the most popular verses in the scriptures is Proverbs 14:1, “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish one pulls it down with her hands.”

The verse forms a popular gospel song in my language. Women make big sacrifices not to become the foolish woman in the Bible who doesn’t know how to make a home.

They take the blame for the lack of peace at home or even when the house is untidy. They even endure adversity and abuse so as not to appear to have failed the exam of a homemaker.

The modern economy and technology unchained women from domestic chores; they have penetrated and conquered the world of career and business previously considered as men’s docket.

But they were flexible enough to retain their domestic niche. Hence, they subjugate their work, wealth, and leadership and become wives and mothers once at home.

Quite often, women leaders are heard celebrating their role as wives at home.

Unfortunately, men have remained hunters in spirit. They have been unable to invade women’s domain at home to counterbalance the social evolution.

For this, men are eternally beholden to their wives. When the wife is not there, they feel lonely, their houses feel empty and the beds are cold.

It is quite hilarious seeing men’s emotional vulnerability when they are narrating their misery at home because “mama hayuko.”

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