Why is my wife drifting away from me?

Dear Philip

I am seven years into marriage and I have two children. We have had a great marriage for most of the time but the last two years have been strange. My wife works and she says that her work is too involving. She comes home tired and gets busy with the children even after finding that I have made them ready for bed. The house girl does her best to cook, clean the home and mind the children while we are away. Of late, I am not getting enough time with her. By the time she gets to the bedroom, she collapses into deep sleep. Interestingly, even the moments we try to get together, she will multitask. She will be talking to me but doing something else. When I spoke to her sister, she also complained of getting this cold shoulder from her as well. She sometimes gets very moody and withdrawn. I don’t want to lose her and my family. Please advise me on how to deal with this situation.

Hi,

You are in a tough place but I must thank you for still believing in your marriage. It is commendable that you desire for your marriage to work. I agree that matters cannot be left as they are. If they do, your relationship will not last. Unresolved issues can cause disaffection in a relationship.

It is clear that there is something that went wrong somewhere in your relationship. What I wonder is whether this has something to do with work, or work is just a scapegoat to a deeper problem. If she is using work as a scapegoat, your wife may be having issues from the home front. They could be issues that have been simmering for a period, and she can no longer keep them bottled, hence the behaviour. You have to take note of the fact that people react differently to various issues. If your wife is the type who keeps things for a long time without sharing, then such behaviour is expected. You will need to get a way of having her disclose what is simmering deep within her before it explodes.

A few signs are clear: first, she is taking too much time away from family in comparison to the past. Of course, this could be due to her work pressures. It could also be a way of staying away from confronting issues that could be hurting her. Also, there could be other interests or priorities that are pulling her away. You must find a way of digging these out of her without her feeling threatened. At the same time, be prepared to deal with what feedback comes from her. Build your hope on the fact that there is a possibility to regain what was lost. The closeness you had may have broken slowly and may take time to rebuild. The good thing is that, you still have some level of connection albeit limited. It is definitely not right for her as a mother and wife to keep such a distance. Other than hurting you, it will affect how children are parented.

I therefore suggest that you look back to when exactly she started pulling back. Possibly, try and pinpoint the events surrounding that time. Did these have anything with the birth of the children? Did it have anything with her career demands? Once you have pinpointed, seek ways of creating a dialogue with her towards knowing how they have impacted on her. If you cannot pinpoint specific causes of her behaviour, then create a safe environment that will encourage her to freely open up about what is causing her to behave the way she is behaving. If this looks hard for you to deal with, seek help from a friend that she trusts or seek a professional or spiritual counsellor to walk with you.