The journey of healing from trauma in the family

“Initially, it was the shock of realising it was happening to me as they cut through the live fence. It became clear at that moment help was not as easy as calling 999, and even after the call it dawned on me my family and I had to confront the immediate danger all alone and hope against all hope the worst did not happen.”

 These are the words of 34-year-old Mary Kago*, a resident of Kiambu County, as she vividly describes her experience watching live CCTV feed from a small screen in her bedroom, in a panic, as five armed robbers tore through her home’s electric fence, sparks flying everywhere, the robbers oblivious to the dangers of electrocution.

Like a bad dream

For Mary and her family, the events of November 7, 2020, are stuck in their minds like a bad dream. That single night disrupted their lives in ways they could never have imagined, Mary notes, the aftermath of it driving her to the edge of her sanity, eventually forcing her family to relocate from the place they once called home.

“I immediately knew something was amiss when I heard our neighbour’s dogs barking in the middle of the night. I woke up my husband, who hastily jumped out of bed and walked to the window to check. I can never forget the tone of my husband’s voice as he said the words ‘I think we are being robbed’.”

Mary thought her husband was dreaming. Surely, this could not be happening to them. Robbery was only something she heard in stories and watched on TV. But as her husband rushed towards the children’s room, then downstairs to wake their house help, the reality of what was happening hit her.

 “I still feel like there was a time-lapse somewhere. I remember Kago locking and barricading our bedroom door once everyone was inside, then he went on ahead to ring the alarm. We made a few panicked phone calls to neighbours and my brother, a police officer. After that, it just feels like it was hopelessly watching the thugs carry on their business, calling on to God for a miracle and trying to calm the children.”

After a very short 30 minutes, according to Mary, the five men who were brandishing grim-looking axes and machetes were in their room. They ordered them to switch on the lights and to turn off the alarm.

“After a confrontation that lasted less than ten minutes, the robbers left, having taken Sh 12,000, our phones and other electronics, and our wedding rings. But all that mattered was that they did not harm us physically. We did everything they told us, hoping this enfolding nightmare would end.”

Short-lived relief

However, their relief was short-lived as the hurt that the incident caused them started manifesting in the days and months that followed. Mary notes that this was when the difficult part began. She felt that her safe haven and privacy had completely been violated. Sleeplessness became the new norm of her family and constant paranoia as evening approached, all doors and windows locked by seven pm.

“I seemed to bear the brunt of it. For days on end, I would wake up screaming; I managed to catch some sleep on some nights. I could see the gleaming axes and machetes constantly in my head. I remember one day I was late at work, more than two months after the incident, and had to leave a few minutes to 6 pm. I got a panic attack as I bid goodbye to my boss, and I fell on my knees, unable to walk or breathe. My boss had to take me home herself.”

This was just one of many similar incidences she and her family went through in the aftermath of the trauma they endured. She noted that the stress and constant unease eventually necessitated her family’s relocation as they no longer felt any sense of safety or peace.

“The children could no longer sleep alone in their rooms as they were terrified. They would wake up crying at night and even missed school on days they were too frantic.”

Mary’s story is reminiscent of the unfortunate experience of Mbora Githua, a young man in his mid-twenties, as he recounts his experience at the hands of his attackers.

Mbora’s Story

“It was September 2014. I know it might sound like a long time ago, but it is not. At the time, I was a freshman at Jomo Kenyatta University of Agriculture and Technology (JKUAT) pursuing a degree course in marine engineering, and I was coming to the end of my first month in the school. I was headed to my house around 10 pm when a man walking towards me suddenly pounced on me.

“My first instinct was to defend myself, which I did, not knowing the attacker had accomplices. Before I knew it, four men set upon me, one of them wielding a knife. I started screaming, and the thieves, fearing being caught in the act by a mob, used the knife to sever my backpack straps and made away with my laptop. Initially, I thought I was not hurt, but one of the attackers had hit me on the temple on the left side of my face with a blunt object, the injury later requiring surgical treatment.”

Mbora recalls the difficult journey of dealing with post-traumatic stress, which took him six years.

“The effects of the incident were diverse, as were the reactions from my family. Some blamed me for being out late and faulted me for being attacked. This created a rift between my mother and grandparents who were my primary caretakers, and the rest of the family. They were constantly worried about my wellbeing, yet they felt secluded.”

The incident disrupted his socialising patterns as he felt anxious around other men, including people close to him. Some misunderstood his behaviour and did not care to help, even with the medical bills that strained his parents. He admitted that dealing with this stress and the insecurities caused by the attack worsened his state of mind, in turn, this spilling over to his caretakers.

Eventually, when the pressure of continuing studies at JKUAT became too much to bear, Mbora’s family resolved to have him transferred hundreds of miles away to Laikipia University, where his long road to recovery began.

According to Camilla Edalia, a counsellor accredited by the Kenya Counselling and Psychological Association (KCPA), signs exhibited by Mary and Mbora are indicators of trauma. She says such feelings are common among victims after exposure to a traumatic event, but if they persist for more than a month, one should seek professional help.

Appropriate programme

“When a victim comes to us, our first concern is to make sure they are physically safe, and their basic needs are met. We create an attitude of trust and safety for them so that they can begin to open up. From there on, we can be able to identify the client’s needs and formulate an appropriate programme.”

In cases where a whole family goes through trauma, Edalia states that treatment is given individually as different people interpret and are affected by trauma differently. She said special attention is primarily given to children as they are more vulnerable and risk developing severe mental issues into their adulthood if not correctly diagnosed.

Edalia notes that the basic support structure for victims of trauma is their families and close friends. The presence or absence of this affects the victim’s recovery, as a supportive family makes them open up about their issues, while lack of this makes victims more drawn back. This, in turn, affects their recovery even with professional help, as those with an excellent basic structure are more receptive.

“Even with this support, however, it is important for victims to seek out professionals who are equipped with skills and knowledge to ease their recovery process and identify any other issues not known to the victim (blind spots). Some of these blind spots can have far-reaching implications if left unaddressed, like substance abuse, violent tendencies and in extreme cases suicidal and self-harm thoughts.”

Neither Mary nor Mbora sought psychiatric or therapeutic treatment. Mary argues she did not need any of that as she had a very supportive circle of family members, friends and church members, who helped her family through the recovery process, and who continue to do so. Mbora says he failed to see a clear purpose to the long, extensive and painstaking process, instead preferring to get help from family and friends.

Edalia notes that 70 per cent of Kenyans experience a traumatic event in their lives, and 1 out of 5 people experience at least one mental health issue, as per a Kenya Mental Health Policy released by the Ministry of Health. She, therefore, insisted on the need for psycho-education integration into basic education and social awareness that mental health is a basic need, not a luxury, as mostly misconstrued.

However, she appreciates the significant growth in the field, evidenced by discussions on social media and mainstream media platforms, noting that Kenyans are more receptive to a topic that was before considered taboo. She also acknowledges that the inclusion of mental health departments in local hospitals like the one in The Kenyatta National Hospital is a step in the right direction, among other steps being taken by professionals, leaders, and the media to address this vital issue.

“You can never forget the trauma once it has occurred, but time heals. Life is about facing your challenges, and when you get setbacks, you arise, dust yourself off and move on, more the wiser now and appreciative of life’s many blessings, gifts and opportunities that before seemed given.”

Mary says this had been her driving principle, having had a brush with death and being lucky enough to come out alive.

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