Getting a child when you're single is the costliest blunder for a woman who wants marriage.
Hello Zulu
I'm 32 and single with an 8-year-old son. We broke up with the father immediately after I gave birth because he didn't want to play his role. He married someone else.
I was just fresh from university, and he was my first man. It hurt me badly, and I decided to give my son and myself the best life I could. We're financially comfortable today, and I'm growing in my career with promotions almost every year. But I'm worried. I have always wanted a family, but most men leave when they learn I have a child or I am unwilling to have sex. What should I do?
I congratulate you on your humility to pause and reflect on where you went wrong and how you can fix it. Most people never get to this point. They deny and defend their ego from the discomfort of admitting mistakes until their season passes with no fruit.
Getting a child when you're single is the costliest blunder for a woman who wants marriage. It starts battles on so many fronts that many get overwhelmed and give up.
People overlook everything about you and focus on the fact that you have a child. Many men expect to lay you easily because, after all, you're not a virgin anymore. What's the big deal?
Others bait you with money for upkeep, hoping you're stranded enough to accept crumbs and give them your body. Many approach you to become their second woman or side chick.
In short, society begins to treat you like a second-grade woman. It's annoying, and it can make you bitter.
If you have a son, men feel like there are two men in your life already - the son and the father. He feels like he'll be the proverbial third wheel.
Also, a lot of men will feel like they have to win two people - yourself and your child. They know that if the child doesn't accept them, there will be a problem.
Many men also fear having a divided home where they cannot be a father over your child or discipline them without offending you. They also wonder whether the boy will go looking for his dad someday.
If you co-parent peacefully, the man feels like the baby daddy is still hovering over your life. If you don't co-parent at all, the child hasn't been fathered, so will he submit to a male authority for the first time when he's this old?
There are so many traps laid for women to reduce them from free and self-determining people to objects and pseudo-slaves. But society will never talk about this because it's not good to enlighten the sheep. What will the predators eat?
The following is what you must do to turn around the situation.
First, you need to become the most feminine version of yourself. Femininity works like a charm because it's so rare and refreshing. Shed off all your boss, lady, and other masculine tags. Do not say you're both father and mother to your child. You're not a father.
Switch to a distinctive lady-like dressing. Allocate time for self-care and pampering yourself. Never step out of your house until you're feeling girly and stunning. What you feel is what you radiate.
Next, invade social media and glow there as well. I say invade because I don't want you to be too polite and reserved. Post your photos and messages as often as you want, particularly about your job or your hobby. If your relatives have a problem with it, block them. They can't marry you anyway.
Do not hide that you have a child, but also don't splash the child's photos everywhere. Do not call yourself Mama Reagan. Remain simply, Jane or Mary. People want to relate with you as a woman first, not as a mother.
Work with a therapist to make sure you have offloaded all the pain from your past so it doesn't leak into your current relationships.
Do not seek a relationship that leads to marriage. Rather, seek marriage itself. When you emphasize a relationship, you attract unprepared people because they think you have time to wait for them. It doesn't mean that you'll rush past the relationship stage but that your goal from the onset will not be a relationship but rather marriage.
Do not downplay your achievements, but also don't flaunt them unnecessarily. Most men don't care so much about what you own or the job you do but rather your attitude about it. If you have a superiority complex or you're too opinionated and argumentative, men will leave you alone.
Learn empathetic listening or how to be warm and attentive. This will draw men to you like a moth because they almost don't get it anywhere. The world is rushed and distracted. Nobody has time to give men full attention and to make them feel understood. Give men this, and they will forget everything else about you.
In short, you're not becoming a people pleaser but a wise and tactical woman. If a man feels at home and understood around you, he will want to take you home. That's how you turn around fate and achieve your goal of marriage despite having had hiccups earlier.
