Why use outdated methods to solve today's marital challenges?

Two weeks ago, while deep in my village visiting my grandmother, my phone went blank. I thought Saitani—as my people call the evil one—was working on overdrive. You see, I was scheduled for an online meeting the following day and I was to use the very same phone.

My village is not Kiambu, Kangemi or even Meru as you and I know it. Long before the discovery of boda bodas and the recently tarmacked road, we walked or rode on donkeys to Isiolo market. When I tell people the name of my village, they take a step back and exclaim, “Oh my! You are the people from rwaanda!” That means desert.

No other smart phone could be traced for kilometres and to make matters worse, I could not recall my passwords even if I drove to a cybercafé. I ended up in Meru town and since Saitani had dozed off, a brilliant idea came to mind. The newest shopping mall had a Safaricom shop and I decided to go there seeing as I had purchased the phone from their Nairobi outlets. Within three seconds when Gabriel, the shop attendant took my phone, the screen woke up.

“I swear it was dead since yesterday!” I said and he chuckled, “the software needed an upgrade. I just pressed the volume and power key simultaneously.”

“How are we supposed to know that?” I mumbled as he told me to let it update before using. Thankfully, I did not need to buy a new one or pay for any repairs and best of all, I had my scheduled meeting in time. I shared this with my brother and when he was done being judgmental about my technology challenges, he told me about the first automatic car ever to land in our small town.

Also read: In marriage, goodwill goes a long way

Some good son living overseas – we can call him Koome – had imported a car for his parents. He hired a driver who dropped the surprise gift in the village and left back for Nairobi. Koome’s dad was a driver but the minute he turned on the ignition and reached for the transmission gears, he found nothing. They were not on the steering wheel either. He checked all over, including under the seats. He was so flustered after hours of searching the boot, engine, dashboard that he finally called in a mechanic. Drama unfolded when the mechanic, one hour later called in another more experienced mechanic.

“Could that guy who delivered the car have tampered with it?” Koome’s folks reflected but they remembered that he had taken them on a tour of the farm with it and it was fine. This was the era of no mobile phones or emails. Getting Koome would need to wait until he wrote back, which took months. The most experienced mechanic finally had a brilliant idea.

“We can fix a gear box. It is not that complicated.” The beautiful car finally had a manual gear transmission fixed and no one was hurt. Clearly, ignorance is an extremely expensive bliss. I have recently experienced something similar in my marriage relationship. Story for another day, but I have long learned that it is very expensive to operate in the old marriage software, in the old way of thinking and doing things.

While our mechanics learnt everything about manual gears and I bet the infamous kabureter was a unit on its own, they failed to upgrade their knowledge with the latest information on the ground. While I have worked in the telecommunications and technology firms, I failed to keep myself abreast of the latest trends. If Saitani had not slept, it would have cost me the price of well reared horse hair to have my phone opened up, screen replaced and heaven knows what other tampering.

Also read: What causes a marriage to thrive?

You cannot use 16^th century technology to sort out 21^st century challenges so why would you expect the same of a marriage? Those outdated ideas about good wives and husbands no longer serve today’s relationships. Super wives are no longer in vogue. Dishwashers can take care of dirty dishes or they can ‘sleep’ in the sink overnight. Husband’s role as provider was long overtaken by events. We need to upgrade if we are to have a semblance of a good relationship. Wives are pursuing their life’s purposes, bringing in an income and no woman wants to beg for her upkeep.

Today’s marriage software is about friendship, intimacy, self-care, connection and a shared purpose and values. The outdated marriage software will only turn out expensive and ultimately, expendable.

Karimi is a wife and mother who believes marriage is worth it.