My narcissistic ex-husband left me drowning in debt

Hello Philip, 

I hope that this mail finds you well. I walked out of a relationship with a narcissist husband almost a year ago. I know I ignored all the red flags initially, but I have learnt from my mistakes.

While in that marriage, I invested so much financially to support his business that was almost collapsing. I even took a loan for him since I'm in formal employment. We have a son together.

I moved out, and I have been struggling financially, but he doesn't care. He won't pay back my money, and he won't support our child. I strain with the bills, and I even told him so, and he promised to help, but he has not honoured his word. 

What hurts most is that he went ahead and bought himself a good car without caring to know how we survive. He already re-married, but I have no problem with that. I need to recover my money to be able to support myself and my son. I'm in deep debt.

I have pleaded and begged for his support, but all has been in vain. I sometimes cry to sleep. I'm trying to be strong for my son, but deep inside, I'm crushed. Is there any legal action I can take or anything I can do to at least get help? Also, how do I get over this breakup and learn to trust again? 

Hi,

I cannot say that anyone fully understands the experiences a particular spouse has gone through in their marriage. The truth is that they may have heard and even seen some of what happened. But marital wounds run deep.

For most people, narcissism is hard to detect during dating and even later into the first few years in marriage. Some spouses can work hard to isolate their partner from some of their friends; they consider strategic.

For example, in marriage, the husband will, in a slow but well thought out way, isolate the wife from a close friend of hers. He could even start an argument and bring an accusation that he uses to push an agenda that would make the wife prefer him over any other friends of hers.

Also, some conversations they may have with you could cause you to doubt what you stand for. Jealousy has also been known to drive a narcist husband to be resentful.

It is essential to ask oneself a few questions: What are the consequences of remaining with this man? If we tried therapy, did it help in any way in relating to each other?

My take is that if you tried all avenues to bring reconciliation and things still did not work, then trying to foster a healthy relationship becomes impossible. It is apparent that you have made up your mind and moved on.

Of importance is for you to heal and build a healthy environment for your child. You have to remain sober and alert as you seek to map out the future you desire. If you let revenge and hurt guide your heart, you will be carrying this man in your heart for a long time to come.

Separations have their consequences. First, if there are children in the relationship, who will bear the responsibility of upkeep and education?

Second, how will the visitation rights be handled? Third, how does the couple deal with any properties or investments they had together?

I guess this is where your dilemma is. I would suggest that you approach bodies like FIDA, children's services or get a lawyer who can advance your case. You would want this to be done civilly and not live with a lot of unresolved pain.

Let's not live for social media; protect your relationship

What is an ideal relationship? Spoiler alert. I am not talking about #couplegoals. As social media's reach has expanded and taken over every teeny tiny bit of our lives, it is difficult to identify the fake from the real.

With the plethora of information available at the tip of our fingers (literacy), it is easier to get distracted from reality. Anytime I open my Instagram or WhatsApp, all I see is a flood of smoochie couples on their exotic vacations or fines date, living the best life in the universe with overly cheesy, dramatic captions. But under the same photos are memes and sad quotes about breakups failed relationships and heartbreaks.

Social media is so much involved in our lives that it is difficult to manage our relationships' privacy and authenticity. We are forced to judge our partners or relationship on the scale of social media.

If you didn't take a photo, did you even go on a date? If you don't write a cheesy, memorable caption under your spouse's photo, do you even love him or her? I have seen people in real life fighting on vacation and at the same time posting their selfie together a moment later- "hashtag couples goals".

Of course, I am not against showing your love to the world, posting pictures or expressing your emotions to your loved ones. I understand that it can be in any form, intimately or socially. My only concern is, stop estimating the worth of your life and relationship based on social media barometer. And it is okay! Your relationships don't need anyone's validation. Just stop comparing; you may lose what you have. Just stop living for social media.
Khamasi Lewis

Hi,

Let me start by stating what a healthy relationship is not about. Healthy relationships are not a show or a time to blow one's own trumpet. Today, spouses boast about where they stay, what they drive, where they went for a meal or holiday. Social media has become a place to advertise and compete.

As much as some of what is posted may be authentic, personally, I believe that it is the wrong place. Because social media was the place of celebration of the good times, it also became the place to announce the breakups and share the hurt and pain of relationships.

This being a publishing generation finds affirmation when they look back at their following, likes and retweets, and forwards. It ceases to be about a couple sometimes becoming an obsession for numbers as a sign of acceptance. 

Healthy relationships are, however, built on simplicity. The way two friends relate is how spouses need to build a climate on unhindered and authentic love. Here partners in a relationship put aside sideshows and make a choice to relate in a real and honest manner.

Open and unadulterated communication is another thing that characterises a great relationship. Such friends must avoid hiding stuff from each other and choosing to build a communication environment that bolsters communication. 

Another thing to seek ways of building each other. Healthy relationships, just like a garden, must be watered and well-guarded. Protecting each other from the vices that seek to infest the relationship must be a regular thing every couple does.

We must never go by hearsay. When we prioritise each other, this will translate into ways of building each other, thereby making the relationship more intimate.

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