My husband’s behaviour is unbearable

Relationship: What you need to realise is that both of you are facing issues that will require cooperation — sit down together and dialogue. PHOTO/FILE

What you need to know:

  • For now, your man controls how much you know about the information that flows between him and his relatives.
  • What you need to realise is that both of you are facing issues that will require cooperation — sit down together and dialogue.

Hallo Pastor Kitoto,
I have been married for 11 years and have two children. My husband was loving and God-fearing for the first five years after our wedding.

Then he changed: He stopped going to church and became cold towards me.

I discovered that he was being given false information about me by my in-laws.

We talked over the issue and he said it would not affect our marriage.

However, he has not changed and we have not been intimate for more than four years.

He does not make time to be with me, let alone discuss our relationship.

I do not know whether he has another woman and when I asked him, he told me he would never have another woman.

We live in different towns, so he visits us after a long time and only spends time with the children.

He does not support us financially but keeps promising that things will one day be normal.

He says for now, he is looking for money and cannot think of other things like our relationship.

I am born-again and he has been the only man in my life. I would not want a divorce, but I am fed up of his behaviour, especially the fact that he always refuses to talk about us and thinks that money is all we need.

I feel that I need a loving husband and father figure for my children.

Though they love him, he is not available for them and I feel sorry for my son, who I think needs him as a mentor.

I do not understand him anymore and sometimes I think it is because he is not very educated, that perhaps that is why it is difficult to sit down and reason together.

Please pastor, help me because am confused. I feel that at my age (we are both in our 30s) I cannot live like this for the rest of my life.

Grace

Hi,

Several issues come out in your mail.

First, there is definitely something bothering your husband.

If he cannot discuss it with you, I really do not think there is any other way of forcing information out of him.

Second, the physical distance between the two of you does not help matters.

Distant relationships have little time committed to sorting out the issues they face.

I pray that this will change so that by being close to each other, the two of you will be forced to talk.

Third, issues to do with interference by in-laws are normally tricky to deal with, particularly where you, as the aggrieved, have no avenue of meeting and discussing the issues with them.

For now, your man controls how much you know about the information that flows between him and his relatives.

Unless he lets you in, you will always be an outsider.

The only other way out is for you to go out of your way to build a relationship with his people.

This will only happen if the door is opened by them.

Finally, I do not think that his lack of higher education is to blame.

What you need to realise is that both of you are facing issues that will require cooperation — sit down together and dialogue.

My husband needs help urgently

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

I hope this finds you well. I am a woman aged 41 and have been married for 12 years.

My husband and I have been blessed with two children, a boy aged 11 years and a girl aged eight.

My husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive and lately, I feel that I cannot continue like this anymore.

He provides for us generously but has extramarital affairs without caring how I feel.

When I raise the issue with him, he threatens to either divorce me or move out until I am ready to leave the matter alone.

I am always alone with the children and go through the hustles of life alone.

He feels that since he works hard to provide for us, all the other responsibilities are mine.

I decided to leave but after two weeks, my husband said that he was ready to seek a solution to save our marriage.

I do not want to go back to him until he has sought professional help.

Kindly refer me to a family counsellor who can help us.

Sincerely,

N. Wafula.

Hi

The issue of extramarital affairs is something that would cause anyone fear and pain.

Your man has learnt how to manipulate the relationship over the years.

It is, therefore, important for you to be firm about what you want in your relationship.

One of the issues you need to confront is that you risk getting infected with HIV or other sexually transmitted infection unless your man’s extramarital affairs stop.

I pray that you consult a counsellor to help give you a perspective in this issue.

We will contact you on your request for a counsellor.

I’m afraid he’ll change when we’re apart

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

Thank you for being helpful to many of us. I am 23 while he is 29.

We have been dating for the past nine years. Recently, he lost his job and decided to move to another town to seek employment.

I told him I was a month pregnant and he offered to move in with me, but I declined since I cannot just quit my job.

He said then I should work for only four months then move in with him, and I agreed.

But as much as we are into each other, I am afraid he will lose interest in me for the four months we will be apart or later when we cannot share responsibilities.

Kindly advise.

Muthoni H.

Hi,

It is surprising that the two of you started dating when you were only 14 years old.

This is a young age to know what one wants in life, or in a relationship, for that matter.

As a result, one may not clearly see the priorities of marriage. Marriage must be approached with the seriousness it deserves.

First, the two of you need to have some basic agreement on what you want together.

Your moving in with him must be driven by the right reasons.

The desire to live together and give your child a home is commendable. However, this must be based on sound judgement.

I suggest that you pay attention to several things: First, be clear on what your priorities are.

Second, find out for yourself what makes the two of you suitable for each other as marriage partners.

Third, if the two of you are compatible and are willing to commit to the same thing, then giving your child a home should appear at the top of your priorities.

Otherwise, concentrate on the birth of your baby first, then later decide what to do. Be sure you know what is important to you.

I need a companion

Hi Pastor Kitoto,      

Thank you for your valuable advice.

I am 40 and single.  My wife died a few years back, leaving a daughter.

Anyway, I am looking for a woman whom I would love to share my life with.

Therefore, I am asking if you can connect me to the woman who wrote in your column of Monday, 24 March, 2014, about not meeting romantic men. Her initials were AB. Kindly assist where possible. God bless your work.

FG

Hi,
I am sorry for the passing on of your wife. Depending on the kind of relationship two married persons had, losing a spouse leaves a big gap.

Taking time to heal and start a new social life is key.

You have said very little about your social life.

I hope that you take time to rebuild your social life since this is the only sure way of finding someone to love and commit to in marriage.

My daughter’s father is uncaring

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

I am a mother of a three-month-old beautiful girl.

The problem with her father is that he does not want to help with bringing up our baby.

We were not dating when I got pregnant, but we had agreed to have an open relationship based on sex, which lasted three years.

I have tried talking to him to help, but he just does not and will not give me any reason for it.

I am not working at the moment and living with my parents, who help look after my daughter.

I want her to have a better life but her father is not willing to come to an agreement.

Should I sue him for upkeep? Will the law support me, given that we were not in any recognisable relationship?

Mercy

Hi,

Many young people find themselves in the position you are in because of lack of a clear vision for their relationships.

In your case, I see that you never gave any thought to the possibility of having a baby.

The truth is, you cannot commit to sex and not know that it could result in pregnancy.

Premarital sex leaves people in many relationships hurting, exposed, and vulnerable to a harsh environment.

This is where you now find yourself.

As to your question, the answer is, “Yes, you have a right to seek support for your child.”

The law is quite clear on this as long as paternity can be proved.

Seek help from organisations like FIDA, which I am sure will be readily available to give you guidance.

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

Thank you for showing concern for our grievances.

I am 20 while she is 19. I have dated her for one-and-a-half  years now.

For one year we have not met at all. Any time I ask her if we can meet at least for a moment, she gives excuses.

My question is, though she says she loves me, does she really or is she just playing with my emotions? I am desperate to know.

Please help.

Collins

Hi,

I really do not know, and anyone who can say he knows would be lying, unless she discloses what her feelings towards you are.

But for now, one can just guess what issues are hindering the desire to build the relationship further.

It seems you were not together for long (six months) before you became distant with each other. One thing you should ask yourself is whether you really knew her well.

The second issue is whether the two of you really had any commitment for a long-term relationship.

Nineteen and 18 are a very young age, which makes for a fluid relationship.

You are still young and need to not be overly concerned.

Weigh the relationship and see whether you are going to continue waiting for a person who might be thinking differently from you.

If she does not give you a genuine reason for being away from you, I would pray that you play your cards well and avoid setting yourself up to be hurt in the future.

My wife won’t let me see my son

Hi,

My wife, with whom I have a son, has decided to give me the silent treatment and denies me the chance to see, communicate with, or even support my son (she says I should forget him).

It all started when I lost my job and she is working. She intimidated me and provoked me.

What she said hurt me so badly that I became violent.

I now have a job and I am happy, but I do not want my child to grow up without a father figure.

I have tried everything and I guess her pride and friends tells her not to give in.

I am now okay with that, but what do I do about my son?

Name withheld

Hi,

A woman who has experienced verbal or physical abuse at the hands of a man will always live in fear.

Maybe this is part of her game plan: To keep herself and her child from an abusive man.

It is hard for you to force yourself back into their life.

If you really want the child to see you as father, getting visitation rights is one way you should try.

However, this will not guarantee that the child will feel your presence.

At times letting things go has a way of healing both her and yourself. Maybe in the future things could be different.