I was kicked out of a bridal shower 

Bridal shower gift

A smiling young woman opening a bridal shower gift with pink bride balloons and brick fireplace in background.

Photo credit: Pool | Nation Media Group

What you need to know:

  • Marriage is a love relationship; no one should be in it to mistreat the other.
  • No woman with healthy self-love should tolerate such horrible behaviour from their husband.

The imposter syndrome is a reality for many writers. You craft tales around the sun and suddenly, even the astronauts label you an expert.

The email invite read, in part, ‘We would therefore love to have you as a special guest and also because you are a marriage expert.’

That cough is me choking on laughter even now when I recall this invite from four years ago.

A bevvy of beauties sharing a meal, drink and chats resulted to a stunning animated event. We laughed, formed new friendships and bonded.

“We want to reorganise the sitting arrangements,” the lead facilitator announced, signalling the start of the formal part of the bridal shower.

“The bride will remain in this royal chair in the middle. All the married women, please move to my left and all the singles, move to my right.”

We all demurely took our clutch bags and found our sits on the respective sides. 

Sexist ideals

The facilitator turned to the married side of the group and instructed us. We were to use our own experiences in regards to the points of discussion. It was all going pretty well until one of the other facilitators started perpetuating sexist ideals. 

“Men will always be men, married or single,” she said.

“If he comes home late, what’s your problem? Si he is the one missing out on his sleep?”

There was laughter.

“If he reeks of perfume, put on a better one and wait up for him.”

“You fight for your marriages… don’t leave space for another woman…” she continued.

My small, sharp mouth couldn’t shut up any more.

My thoughts

“No… wait!” I said, standing up, shaking my head no. I had interrupted though I had not put my thoughts into a coherent paragraph.

“And that’s how women get diseases and depression, tolerating ill-treatment,” I said. 

There was silence, a few heads nodding in agreement.

“Marriage is a love relationship. Not perfect – which human relationship is perfect anyway – but it is between two willing adults. No one should be in it to mistreat the other. And definitely, no woman with healthy self-love should tolerate such horrible behaviour from their husband.”

There was a cheer from a woman on the married group and a woman from the single’s side added, “I would not stay in a master-slave kind of relationship.”

The once demure ladies were now arguing. One group stood by the long-held precept that men would always be bad-mannered even abusive and that women were built to take it all in.

The rest of us vehemently disagreed and argued that we were the ones that stamped such behaviour by accepting it.

“If you think that way, divorce rates will be as rampant as they are in the Western countries,” my opponent asserted.

“And if you think as you do, dysfunctional families, HIV, depression and poverty will continue to skyrocket out of control as it has in Africa,” I retorted. 

“You are rebellious. If you were married to my son, I would kick you out of his home myself!” she yelled. 

“We own the home together, thankfully and there’s the law,” I muttered, quite loud actually, eliciting cheer.

Kicked out

Three of us and our ideas were eventually kicked out. The bride-to-be came running and found us at the parking lot, still arguing.

“Please come back,” she said, panting.

“Our opinions will not change,” I told her.

It was agreed that no one had a monopoly of opinions. Our politicians could learn a lesson or two from bridal showers.

I learned that there are two kinds of wives; one that questions the norms and the other that goes with the flow. 

Those of us who missed the memo on the qualities of a good wife are vastly averse to being the kind of wives our mothers were. We expect our husbands to be our friends and close confidants.

We will get you a cough syrup if you cough as we do not consider that an announcement of your arrival.

We are cognisant of the honourable men that our fathers were but we are also intolerable of the sexism and misogynist views that a lot of men from our father’s generations held.

We are clear that marriage is a union of love and friendship and that none of us has to feel the need to diminish their light to massage another’s ego. 

Karimi is a wife who believes in marriage. [email protected]