How I overcame postpartum depression 

Angela Muhonja reading a book with here seven-year-old son Ace Alcott. Angela suffered from postpartum depression when her son was born.

Photo credit: Pool | Nation Media Group

What you need to know:

  • Angela wondered why she could not bring herself to love or take care of her son when he was born. 
  • She neglected herself and her son as she battled negative feelings that seemed to consume her, until she finally found a way out.

Angela Muhonja thought that joblessness was the only thing that would stand in the way of her enjoying the joys of motherhood. But she realised later on that she had much more to worry about.

Even a steady paycheck could not have helped her solved the mental anguish she faced.

“I was excited about my pregnancy. I worried about not being able to give him the best in life since I didn't have a good job, but I figured that things would fall into place once I gave birth,” she explains.

Towards the last trimester, Angela moved to the village where she would be closer to her mother as she waited for the baby.

On October 12, she was attending a cousin’s wedding when her contractions began, and before she knew it she was pacing up and down a maternity hallway.

Complicated birth

As the baby edged closer to coming out, it emerged that she and her boyfriend had different rhesus factors, which complicated the birth of the baby.

“I am Rhesus Negative, blood group A negative, while he is A positive, so I had to get an  Anti-D injection. Mom had to pay for it because my ex-boyfriend did not have money,” she says.

After enduring 24 hours of excruciating labour pains, Angela was delivered of a bouncing baby boy who weighed an impressive 4.5 kg. The excitement, however, ground to a screeching halt, like a light bulb that was switched off at one click.

“I did not want to see that baby. When he cried, I stared at him without remorse or sympathy. Sometimes, he would fall from my hands because I had no strength to hold him well. From that day on, I spent my days and nights crying,” she says.

Angela’s mom, who is a teacher, went to work every morning, leaving her and the baby at home alone. When she got back in the evening, the young mother would dump the newborn in her arms and find other things to do, just to be as far away from him as possible.

Angela Muhonja at her work station, Vihiga FM.

Photo credit: Pool | Nation Media Group

“All along my child was healthy. Every time I took him to the clinic, nurses would wonder why his curve was going up but the mother was very thin. My mother wondered out loud if I wanted my child to breastfeed on my blood since I was not eating,” Angela explains.

Angela’s mom was bewildered by her daughter’s apparent disinterest in her own baby. She had raised her plus two other siblings but never experienced nor heard of such behaviour.

Angela’s frustrations were compounded by the fact that she felt judged by her mom, siblings and relatives, whom she had hoped would understand and offer the needed.

“They thought I was just being irresponsible. That I did not want to take care of him. I enjoyed cooking more than being with my son, which was weird because I could not even eat the food I prepared,” she says.

Angela’s perspective changed when someone else expressed concern over her seemingly abnormal weight. But it was an aunt’s comments about her body weight that led her to question it too.

“I was disturbed that I was all bones and wondered why I hated my baby so much instead of loving him.”

That encounter touched a nerve in Angela’s system, prompting her to research on the many glaring signs she had ignored all along.

“I Googled whether there existed other mothers out there who had negative feelings towards their babies like I was. The results were astounding. Seeing that nobody seemed to understand me, I decided to seek professional help,” Angela adds.

Professional help

One fine morning, Angela dressed up and left to meet her aunt, Esther Anzaye.

“Aunt Esther was my preferred choice because she is not only a practicing nurse but also registered counsellor.”

“When Angela came to me, she was emaciated, withdrawn, irritable, unkempt, and had loss of appetite. Having nursed some clients with the same symptoms, it appeared to me that she was depressed, but we had to test her against the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale to be sure,” Esther explains.

Esther took her to a counselling center in Kakamega where the EPDS test confirmed that she was suffering post-partum depression. For the next six months, the depressed mother attended counselling and also took a prescribed dose of anti-depressants.

“We put Angela on psychotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, and some medication. She was made to understand what she was going through and helped to slowly adjust and start accepting her motherhood status as well as tender to the baby,” Esther adds.

It was during this period that her younger sister, Roselyne Kezengwa, visited and was appalled at her sibling’s condition.

“Angela did not look like the sister I knew. She had stopped taking care of herself, lost her glow, and lost appetite even for her favourite meals. I was deeply worried.”

Helping hand

To make the healing process easier on her, Roselyne took in her sister and offered a helping hand with the baby as Angela tried to gather herself back together.

During their free time, the sisters spent most of their time reading articles and watching videos in their quest to understand postpartum depression.

The counsellor’s diagnosis and her own research revealed that her condition had built up through the gestation period from the day her then boyfriend distanced himself from the pregnancy.

“Carrying the pregnancy had been smooth, even though my boyfriend left in the first trimester. I guess I seemed to have things under control because I was putting up with my aunt who would encourage and have heart to heart talks with me,” she says.

New lease of life

For half a year, the depressive feelings in Angela’s mind were painstakingly reversed a day at a time in an attempt to give her a new lease of life.

“I began to love my son in ways I had never imagined. I wanted to be with him at all times, and whenever we were apart I felt a void inside me.”

Seeking counselling was not only beneficial to her but also those around her, because they got to understand postpartum depression and their role in helping Angela. It was a worthy step that played a huge role in making the healing process bearable and faster.

“PPD is real. It can happen to any mother and insight, support, and treatment are key in managing it,” says Esther.

“My cousin, for instance, helped me start a small farming business through which I was able to take care of my baby,” an enthusiastic Angela explains.

As Angela would soon discover, victims of postpartum depression are more predisposed to relapsing at the slightest trigger.

She had remained stable after recovery until 2018 when they were attacked at night and she was almost raped.

“The incident pushed me into withdrawal mode and I had to attend counselling again.”

She has since learnt how to stay off anything that has potential to cause her undue stress and nervousness.

These days, she dedicates her energy into making up for the lost time by loving her son and giving him the best of her abilities.

Angela is now a radio queen on Vihiga FM by the stage name Mwana wa Mma. Listening to her angelic voice reverberate through the airwaves does not in any way divulge that she is a soul that once lay in ruins. Her son, Ace Alcott, is now seven years old.

“I am fully healed now, and seeing my son grow makes me appreciate God for the people He put close to me, and how they came around to hold my hand in all ways,” she says.