How does a break affect a relationship?

Dear Pastor,

How does a break affect the relationship? What are the chances of a relationship firing up again after the break?

Hi,

Your question is quite broad in scope, depending on how one looks at it. Breakups are never easy. With so many unknowns at play, the end of a relationship can change one’s world—turning it upside down. It can, in some cases, easily trigger negative emotions that could lead to heartbreak, making one’s world look like it is falling apart. In addition, one experiences emotions like sadness, depression, anger, fear, and even stress.

In the event of a break, each partner should take note of the following: First, the need to understand the status of the relationship before the break. How is the relationship doing? Check on critical pillars like communication on various issues like money, affirmations, appreciation, and intimacy issues, whether the two of you are meeting expectations.

Does each partner in the relationship feel like they belong and are being heard? These and many other pointers are key. They help us determine the level of satisfaction and health of the relationship. So, before any breakup, discomfort or dissatisfaction is imminent if any pointers are showing negatively. Addressing these issues helps improve the relationship’s health and satisfaction levels.

A cause for every action

Second, there is a need to know the reasons for the break. A breakup does not just happen. For every action, there is a cause. Two people who truly love and care for each other don’t just break up or seek a break from each other. Sometimes, we want to be a way to clear the mind of clutter to see things clearly and attest to whether this is indeed the person we were meant to be with. When you look deeper here, you will find out that it is the issues at hand or the lack of a joint plan for the relationship. So, the unresolved issues and the disillusionment that follows send us down the road of being apart.

The third is the need to know whether the break was mutually agreed upon or one partner pushed on it. When our desire to be away from our partner is driven by selfish desire, it will cease to be about us being an affair. It becomes about what I want more than what we want.

The question here is whether your partner understands the genesis of the break. Do they agree with what is driving the relationship down this road? In fact, there are places where issues outside of one partner’s control or an externally driven force that may lead to the need for such a break has been known to be common.

I would suggest that for any married partner, seek all the help you can before deciding on such a break from each other. Healing and reconnection are possible. It is said where there is a will; there is a way.

Make terms clear

And lastly, look at the period and the conditions guiding the break. I would say that, where a break is necessary, and particularly for a dating or engaged couple, make your terms clear and understood by either party to avoid future hurts and the carrying of baggage.

Now, what remains is to answer whether a breakup can be harmful or productive for a relationship. In relationships and from my life counselling experience, I have found out that some breakups have caused so much hurt to one or both partners. Reconnection, therefore, after a breakup is as uncertain as to the breakup itself.

Getting through a breakup can only be accessible where you receive support from people very close to us whom you trust. There are positive and productive opportunities that have come after some breakups. Such has enabled the relationship to be propelled to greater intimacy than before. On the other hand, where the reconnection led to a down spiral attests to the suspicions and mistrusts that build up with any breakup.

Therefore, it is difficult to tell the future where people seek time away from each other. Whether long or for a short season, splits have consequences on a relationship. If, for example, I cannot hold you accountable for your actions after the split, it becomes difficult to trust and have faith in a better future after that.

So, before a breakup happens, try and count the cost. Relationships are dynamic and can be unpredictable. Accepting both the sad and indifferent and, at times, blank emotions are part of a healthy come back so long as you don’t let any such negative emotions control you.

Clarity of who you are, where you are at, and what you want in a relationship in the future should precede any decisions. So, in brief, the end after a break, breakup or split will depend on many factors.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]