Here’s why I have been feeling like a fraud
Because of writing about marriage, most people assume that I have the happiest, problem-free marriage on this planet.
When it relates to their own health, doctors are a paranoid lot,” Dr T and my friend from way back in high school told me the other day. She had flu and while she should not self-diagnose or prescribe to herself medication, she sure could overthink her symptoms.
“It sounds like flu to me. Worst case scenario: Covid, seeing as you are in hospital every day. Maybe fatigue.” I reassured her. Me who got a C minus in Chemistry advising a doctor who got straight A’s not just in Chemistry but in Mathematics. She also diagnoses patients’ symptoms daily. But here she was, throwing all sorts of complicated medical terms my way and I was busy dissuading her from getting herself worked up over the flu.
“A doctor gets an irritable tonsil and immediately thinks, ‘squamous cell carcinoma!’” she said laughing.
“Si what again?” It turned out, she just had fatigue because, on her off day, she agreed to take my dawa that was spiced with a double tot of rum and by the next morning, she was up and jolly. All fears of squamous whatever forgotten. While I agreed that I was her official fraudulent doctor who will always prescribe something hot with rum, I agreed that on many occasions, I truly felt like a fraud.
“How now?”
“A lot of people consider me a marriage ‘doctor.’” I let her cough out loud because she has the dirt on me and Hubby as we have sought her guidance when we hit a brick wall on a matter. “Like you doctors, I cannot lay myself on a theatre table and perform surgery on my marriage even as I do the same for others.”
“There’s no perfect marriage or perfect human relationship, aren’t you always reminding us of that?” She asked.
“I should have signed up to serve in a convent.” I sighed, dramatically and continued as she chuckled, “dealing with a whole six foot, eighty kilograms of a man, whose brain is as diversely different from mine as the sky is from the earth is not my idea of grilled chicken.”
“Sweetheart, that’s God’s description of humanity and divinity.” She said and I paused to recollect my thoughts and continued with the ranting. “This marriage thing, I cannot treat my own when it is sickly.”
“You are not meant to.”
“What should I do?”
“Us doctors, we seek other doctors. Ethically, we should not treat ourselves or family, or even close friends.”
“Why on earth not?”
“Because of emotional and other non-logical interferences. But we speak to our fellow professionals, and we get the diagnosis, and we take the prescriptions as serious as the sun takes her rising and setting duties.”
I sought a counsellor and during our discussions, I told her I was feeling like a fraud.
“Why do you feel like a fraud?” she asked me.
“Well, as I’ve told you, my marriage is not where it should be. We should be better. Who am I to teach about what makes a marriage work when I am seriously doubting the survival of mine?”
“Are you ready for the testing?”
“Huh?”
“The reason you are going through testing in the area of your teaching is so that you can get rid of the imposter syndrome, be humane, be sensitive.”
When I was done googling, I understood that, if our relationship was all happy and sunny, always, I would never understand what it means to cry because your spouse deeply hurt your feelings. I would not know what it means to lose trust and work so hard to regain the same. Because of writing about marriage, most people assume that I have the happiest, problem-free marriage on this planet.
One reader even dubbed me, a ‘Happy Wife’ and I quickly corrected her, “Call me, Happy Person.” Being labelled Happy Wife is too much pressure for a creative writer who is so passionate about a family that she writes about marriage. It would be great to write about a forever happy marriage, but the fact is, we are two fallible, imperfect, and innately selfish human beings.
We have had awesome seasons and we have had monstrous ones. We must up our game, all the time, every day if we are to survive the empty nest that is soon creeping in, revealing the cracks in our marriage, as our children leave to pursue their own lives. A happy wife can be a desperate one.
Karimi is a wife who believes in marriage. [email protected]
