Eight ways to bring out the best in a nagging, whining spouse

Whiners complain about anything and everything. In a relationship where a whiner is allowed to run the show, the other partner can end up getting drained and being uninterested in the relationship.

Happy couples do not just brand each other nags and complainers; they manage their whining partner by managing the complaints more effectively instead of ignoring them. How do you do this?

• Listen carefully for the main points: This might call for patience on your part. Try and remain connected.
• Open the conversation with questions: Ask them if there is anything else you can do for them.
• Interrupt and get specifics or details where necessary: Take charge of the conversation and seek clarification.
• Give positive reinforcement: Do not dismiss them. Instead, affirm and give support.
• Move them from focusing on complaints about what is not working to solutions; this will help keep them from despair.
• Draw the line: Know when enough is enough, do not allow disrespectful actions or words.
• Point out the pattern: When the whining goes on and on, take note of the pattern and see when to come in and stop the cycle.
• Be firm but loving: When you rebuke, do it with love. This keeps you in charge of the conversation.

TO OUR READERS: Many counsellors now believe that the Kenyan family, the building block of our society and nation, is in a crisis. There is unhappiness and discord where there should be love and joy. We have put together a diverse team of experts, family and marriage counsellors, led by Mr Philip Kitoto, to help heal the family by offering advice and support. Readers’ questions will be answered in print and online at www.nation.co.ke. Send your questions to [email protected], or to The Editor, DN2, P O Box 49010, GPO 00100, Nairobi.