What you need to know:
- Loving him is one thing; him loving you is another.
- How can you be assured of a bright future in the current circumstances?
I live in Nairobi, and I’m a single mum. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for six years now, but we have never seen each other physically. He lives in Italy and has been there for 10 years.
We’ve never seen each other because of documentation and financial problems. He needs to have the proper documents to come to Kenya. He is also broke, so I can’t visit him either as I can’t afford my air ticket.
Please advise me it’s getting tough on me. I love him so much, and I need him close to me.
Long-distance relationships have their own set of challenges that could easily break even any promising union. It appears like this man’s lack of a clear plan has locked you in a prison. It is not clear from your email whether he has made any specific request to you on the need to wait until he gets the paper so that both of you can get married or not.
Waiting without explicit knowledge of where you stand with him could be a regrettable action in the future. Loving him is one thing; him loving you is another. Do not make assumptions that could cost you in the future.
Love can make you feel jealous and possessive over a man even when he has not told you anything in the affirmative concerning the relationship. Also, both of you live far from each other and in two different environments that could influence how you react.
Suppose there was a firm commitment on his part towards you before he left. In that case, factors like distance, lack of clarity on the future, and inability to resolve the issues you face at your pace are crucial factors in the relationship’s stability.
How can you be assured of a bright future in the current circumstances? If the two of you are committed to a common plan, you can only hope for things to work out instead of worry and anxiety. However, the uncertainty surrounding your future will have to be yours to resolve:
An online relationship with a man in such a situation has a side to it that must be managed with care to avoid unnecessary anxiety. How will you bridge the trust gap, hope together, and remain intimately close even though you stay in two different continents?
Your chances of losing this dream man to his dreams and ambitions in a foreign country should not be ignored.
Both of you must determine your priorities.
I would suggest that, if there is no clarity on his commitment to you and the future of your relationship, then determining your future is a choice for you to make. You can wait for a man you are not sure where is priorities are.
Since one cannot assume the need for a healthy social life, the strength of your commitment will direct your faithfulness, devotion, and future intimacy. However, both of you must be intentional in the cultivation of specific markers in your relationship.
First, what happens is the papers delay or stay is denied? Second, while such uncertainty still prevails, what will happen if either of you finds someone suitable to marry? Third, how do you increase communication to bridge the distance issue and decrease the escalation of conflict? Investing in communication will be one way of minimising suspicions and mistrust.
To conclude, the future of your relationship rests on two factors: the commitment both of you have to the relationship and whether it is communicated and managing the uncertainties regarding his papers that seem to be beyond your control.
If you genuinely love each other, mutual trust is the foundation of your future. Be willing and ready to let each other go if staying in this uncertain world of waiting will do more harm than good.
Here are three issues that you should be careful about:
Don’t wait while he remains unsure of his commitment towards your common future together.
Lacking clear priorities that are aligned with the realities each of you face in your particular environments
Relying on assumptions rather than facts in determining and guiding your emotions and making decisions that could impact the future.
Send your relationship questions to DN2Parenting@ke.nationmedia.com