JUST A MAN: Characteristics of a human Chihuahua

Human Chihuaha

The human Chihuahua is an accessory. It can be dressed up – mostly emotionally - in any item or term its owner pleases.

Photo credit: Samuel Muigai | Nation Media Group

In the wee hours of last Friday, two drunken men exchanged expletives as they staggered home after drinking in one of the many liquor joints in my neighbourhood. It seemed like they had disagreed over some issue, and were now settling scores. Or, who knows, like alcohol sometimes does, it had turned into a truth serum and caused this brother to keep it real.

I didn’t think much of it until one man hollered that the man was a Chihuahua. When he said this, the other man went silent. I didn’t understand what the abuse meant, until the man who had hurled it put some context to it.

“You’re a Chihuahua. You’re a kept man.”

That’s when I cued in this meme: “Emotional damage.”

No wonder the other man fell silent. This was such a low blow that it was enough to make the, um, human Chihuahua tuck his poor little tail into his hind legs and scamper away.

That got me thinking about the characteristics of a human Chihuahua. Here’s what I came up with ...

The human Chihuahua is toothless and cannot get into the ring when other dogs are fighting. By toothless, I mean that this species does not have the cheddar to get down to brass tacks with other dogs. It relies on the bones its master doles out.

The human Chihuahua is an accessory. It can be dressed up – mostly emotionally - in any item or term its owner pleases. The owner can also address its pet however she pleases, and the human Chihuahua can do nothing about it as his life is dependent on being in his owner’s good graces.

No autonomy

The human Chihuahua has no autonomy. It cannot think for itself. Well, it can, but only as far as its owner allows it to. The human Chihuahua can only go as the leash allows it. If he breaks this rule, he is punished.

The human Chihuahua has to earn its keep. It usually does this by – to quote that viral gay debate on Ugandan TV – “performing the natural obligations” with his owner. The human Chihuahua cannot complain when its owner gets this service from other dogs. It is what it is.

The human Chihuahua has to deal with the mood swings of its owner. Plus, it has to put up with any garbage its owner hurls at it. It is the emotional pin cushion of its owner.

The human Chihuahua has to structure its life around the life of its owner. It has virtually no life of its own. When the owner goes to work, the human Chihuahua remains at home, sometimes doing menial chores. If he goes out when the owner is not around, the human Chihuahua must inform the owner its whereabouts.

The human Chihuahua worships the ground its owner walks on. It has to do that in order for it to survive. It lives to please its master. Besides, like its canine namesake, the human Chihuahua is extremely loyal. It rarely leaves its owner even if other dogs tell it there’s a better and brighter world outside its dreary existence.

Naturally, Chihuahuas are prone to dental disease. The same applies to the human Chihuahua as it can not bite the big boys. It cannot break bones with the other dogs. That means it depends on its master to feed it soft food.

Chihuahuas are also prone to loose knee joints, which require expensive surgery. The same applies to the human Chihuahua, which means it cannot run with big dogs. When others are pursuing dreams, the human Chihuahua can only watch on the sidelines.