What you need to know:
- Maybe what you might consider before making such a significant step is whether your attitude towards engaging ladies older than you is something that is set to change.
- The other thing to consider is whether the attraction you have towards your partner is just but an infatuation or a commitment to love them.
Hallo Mr Kitoto,
I am 26 years old, and I have a problem: when it comes to dating I always prefer older ladies. In fact, recently, I dated a lady 20 years older. Of course, you can guess what my friends end up saying about me and my choices in dating. I see younger ladies as immature and unstable. Although I can date more youthful ladies, I find it hard to handle ladies my age or younger. Their approach to issues makes us break up quickly. Please advise.
Generally, if you are not an underage, then dating an older lady is not a crime. Besides, marriage is a very personal choice based on a criterion known to and preferred by us. Maybe what you might consider before making such a significant step is whether your attitude towards engaging ladies older than you is something that is set to change. Most times, my wife and I make fun of our ages and consider them being just numbers.
I have encountered relationships where partners use the age factor to get at each other when they disagree. With time, the age factor becomes a weapon for controlling and manipulating each other. During such moments, the controlling can be done knowingly or unknowingly, based on how we perceive each other. The lens of unforgiveness can be dangerous. When we let things pile up, age can become a weapon we use to show our partners that they are non-performers in the relationship.
Being young should not be a weapon we use in the relationship to intimidate our partners. Even the use of veiled statements that are meant to demean the older spouse by siblings is common. The hard part is where the behaviour of one partner is genuinely reflecting their age. Suppose your perspective is that your partner’s behaviour is embarrassing you because you are maturer. In that case, we should learn to embrace such in marriage and correct each other without throwing them out just because we have discovered that they now look too young for you. By the way, the opposite can be true.
The other thing to consider is whether the attraction you have towards your partner is just but an infatuation or a commitment to love them. Your love for any lady should be sincere and from deep in your heart, as any false motives will be revealed.
Being attracted to, and, after that, marrying an older woman is your choice. However, it is your behaviour and actions that will matter when first, she declines to accompany you to places and events where she might feel out of place.
Secondly, you will need to come in handy when she seeks your approval in the presence of your peers, siblings, or parents on the issue of age. Marriage requires that you be wise in confronting such occurrences. Positively interrogating these issues could help determine the actions you need to take.
I’m stuck with a woman with no ambitions
I’m stuck with a woman who doesn’t know her goals, has no focus and does not see any urgency in correcting her life. We graduated at the same time, but she has not taken the initiative to find something to do. I just discovered that she is pregnant and had to ask her to move in with me because of the baby. Although I am financially stable, I wanted a woman who could also contribute to our marriage’s financial success. I want a woman who has a plan and knows what she wants in life. Please advise.
Marriage is a choice we make based on specific criteria. Other than love, we must be willing to perceive our partners as better than ourselves. I guess that is why you feel concerned about her lack of progress. I must commend you on this great thought.
However, instead of blaming her for not trying, and allowing this issue to frustrate you, I request that you help her see sense in your point. On the other hand, you may both visit a career counsellor for practical advice.
It would be an issue if you allow these frustrations to become a wedge between you and her. It is commendable that your concern for her welfare moved you to provide a home for both she and your unborn baby. Let the worries you have move you to get her the help she needs. Always remember that you are her best friend. Your actions or words will draw her to you or repel her.
Choose gentleness and love to lead you as you engage with her fears or concerns. I believe this will work. For now, focus on helping her through her pregnancy journey, and her self-actualisation. Do not lose heart.
Send your relationship questions to DN2Parenting@ke.nationmedia.com