Kitoto: He threatened to kill himself if I ended our relationship. Help!

A worried woman holding her forehead with her hand looking at notepad in office.

Photo credit: Pool | Nation Media Group

What you need to know:

  • Honesty demands that you not only tell him the truth about your feelings about the relationship. 
  • Marrying someone because you are afraid to tell them the truth is doing a disservice to your relationship.

Hi Kitoto,

I have been in a relationship for a while even though I know it will not lead to marriage. I am thinking of how to end it because I am not ready to settle down.

I am 22 years old and feel there are a few things I need to accomplish first before crossing that bridge.

Some time ago I met this guy who claims to love me, but I am not sure about that. He is 28 and serves in the national defence forces.

At first, I told him I was already in a relationship, but that didn’t deter him. His persistence has caused me to entertain him for a while.

However, he has become bolder with time and now wants us to get married. One time, I informed him I was going to see my boyfriend. His reaction was astonishing. He flew into a wild rage and threatened to commit suicide. He said he would publish my photos on social media and blame me for his death.

I was scared and cancelled the visit. The blackmail made me feel pressured by the whole situation. How do I untangle myself from all this? Please help.

Hi,

Relationships are about honesty and trust. I would recommend that you come clean on what you want. Honesty demands that you not only tell him the truth about your feelings about the relationship but also commit yourself to live the life you want.

Fear will only kill your intended dreams. I do understand that he will be disappointed. However, what worries me most is his threats to commit suicide. I don’t think it is right for you to allow yourself to be blackmailed into having a relationship leave alone marrying someone you don’t genuinely love.

Marrying someone because you are afraid to tell them the truth is doing a disservice to your relationship.

Love must be genuine even when it hurts. So, I encourage you to be true to yourself and to the future you desire. You confess that you are not ready for marriage and that you still have many issues to work on.

Most counsellors will agree that mental readiness is critical for anyone seeking to enter into a relationship that leads to marriage.

Such readiness helps you to focus on what is essential and will add value to the future you want. I am concerned with the fact that ignoring your inner feelings will only hurt you in the end. 

I have come to discover that, having a great feeling about someone is not enough to make a great marriage happen. A feeling that you belong is an essential indicator in measuring the level of acceptability that is responsible for the health in a thriving relationship. God designed relationships to communicate oneness, friendship, respect and a feeling of affirmation.

These values are part of the building blocks partners in a relationship must agree upon. We must be willing and ready to evaluate how we respond to each other’s anxieties, questions, and opinions on issues that matter.

This process will add emotional intelligence that will help improve how two people relate. For him to place your pictures on social media and behave erratically is worrying. How we react and respond to other people will communicate more about the culture we hold.

Therefore, if you mean anything to each other, let it be seen in the way both of you respond and relate. You can only feel a sense of belonging and togetherness where the areas of agreement increase. 

Who does she love?

I am in love with a girl who is dating another man. At the moment, she is seeing both of us. She has some difficulty choosing who to stick with. Although she loves me, the other guy came before me, and she doesn’t want to break his heart. Or mine.

Also, the girl is four months pregnant but is not sure who the father is. My mother disapproves of our relationship simply because the girl is from a different tribe. We are both 21. How do I handle this complicated situation? 

Hi,

As we begin, let us see what issues you are concerned about: First, is the issue of two men dating one lady. Second, if the case of the pregnancy and whose responsibility it is. Third, is the issue of your mother’s attitude towards her.

I guess the big question here is, “Who is this lady really in love with?” It is said that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. If indeed that is true, then she has to make a choice. Additionally, you have to determine whether it is okay for you to have a woman who can’t decide between yourself and another man. 

It is important to note that, both of you as men have been sexually intimate with this lady. As a result, even though she might guess who could be the father, the two of you remain responsible for the unborn child.

Unless a DNA test is done and the father knew, it might remain a mystery, and she might exploit this in future to extort the two of you. I suggest that, if she is unsure of who fathered the baby, a DNA should be conducted.

Once that has been done and the father of the child known, then the two of you will decide what happens next. If it turns out, you are the father; then you have to take responsibility for the child.

The issue of your mother’s attitude towards her is for you to deal with. I don’t think parents should choose who a young man or woman should marry. However, parents can make wise contributions that will make their child make smart choices.

However, honesty builds togetherness and enhances the agreement between children and their parents. Parents must be made to understand that relationships grow because two people love and trust each other and are willing to make the necessary sacrifices to make the relationship work.

In your case, the two of you have to move away from the position of being unsure about what you want to know what you want.

If you love her and want the best for her and yourself, then challenge her to make her stand known. She can’t remain undecided. The current status quo will only hurt you and create an atmosphere of suspicion. 

It is clear from the onset that, your first area of conflict was not resolved well. You allowed yourself to remain in a relationship that you knew was compromised.

When the pregnancy came into light, it has complicated everything. Although you have not moved out, the way you approach this issue and move towards resolution is critical. Include her in the final decision.

Do remember, one of you made her pregnant. The best way out is to separate the issues at hand, as I have suggested, and deal with them. 

We are unable to understand each other

Hello,

My girlfriend and I are both 20. Our relationship has suffered several bouts of misunderstanding. When we face challenges, she is reluctant to give me a chance to try and fix the issue. I wish she could be patient with me. What do you think?

Hi,
It is essential to take note of the key pillars of building a great relationship. These good relationships don’t just happen. We must be willing to make investments that will produce the kind of fruits we want.

Finding and being excited about someone is the easy part of a relationship. However, riding on a feeling alone is not what makes a good relationship. Much more goes into developing lasting chemistry. Here are some useful suggestions: 

Mutual Agreement: Two people can only walk together and in the same direction if they agree. I would, therefore ask you to look into what brings the two of you together. The agreement must cover areas like the values that the two of you share.

If there is little in the area of values that you share, the chances of constant clashes will be familiar. Make it their aim to deal with differences that undermine mutual understanding in the relationship. 

Open Disclosure: The two of you must establish a communication that is open and without guile. Communicate clearly on expectations, personal vision and dreams and goals in life.

What brings the two of you must be convincing enough to withstand the upheavals in life and within the relationship. Great partners communicate honestly intending to improve understanding.

Open disclosure helps us project our relationship into the future with intentionality. This will call on you to share ideas, expectations, and goals freely. To do this effectively, you will need time to set up your schedule for the future.

Planning for the growth of the relationship is a long-time journey that will take commitment and effort. When you dream and plan together, it will enhance your synergy and in turn, the ownership of the relationship.

Experience has shown that partners who have little to celebrate will remain anxious and doubtful of the future of the relationship.

Maturing together: Relationships have a way of making us better people. However, when we become bitter, a lack of focus and the temptation to take sides will be evident. The idea is to move towards building a shared philosophy of marriage. What are we looking for in a marriage and how will we go about achieving it?

This may require that we allow change to be at the core of our philosophy. We cannot build healthy and thriving relationships based only on wishful thinking.

For example, what worked for others in the past may not necessarily be useful for you. Your relationship is unique because you are a unique individual. This kind of path leaves us little or no room at all for change to take place.

Since the two of you are different, each of you comes to the relationship with a specific personality, a certain amount of ability or even dysfunction.

However, you should never take each other for granted based on that lack of useful information. Avoid viewing your relationship as a mere commodity. Learn to manage your feelings, needs, and emotions.

Send your relationship questions to DN2Parenting@ke.nationmedia.com

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