My foreign husband tracks my movements and wants me to abandon all my male friends

Dear Pastor,

I have been married to my husband, a foreigner I met online, for six months now. He lives in the UK while I reside in Kenya as we are still working on our papers. My issue is that he tracks me using the phone he bought me. He even told me to abandon all my male friends from work, even though the relationships are platonic!

He claimed that a godly woman should not have male friends if she is married. While he was in Kenya, he would spend most nights going through my phone and would sometimes even called my male friends and acquaintances, asking them to leave me alone as I was married.

He even threatened me with divorce if I did not do as he asked. I was so annoyed that I told him to go ahead and divorce me, but he later calmed down and apologised.

Now I feel drained. I don’t think I can continue with this marriage. What should I do? I am supposed to join him in the UK once my papers are in order.

Hi,

There could be two things going on here. Either this man is possessive and controlling, a red flag you shouldn’t ignore and which explains his drastic behaviour of tracking your movements and going as far as calling your male friends and acquaintances, or you may have given him a strong reason to doubt your faithfulness and commitment towards him.

Since you know him better, which scenario explains your husband’s behaviour? You say that you met him over the internet, I have to ask, just how much do you know him?

That said, assuming that his intentions are good, as much as you may feel like this man is locking you into a certain prison, you may need to give careful thought to why he behaves the way he does. Secondly, you may also need to question your motives for feeling that as a married woman, you still need to have male friends, be they workmates or not.

Love has within it something that makes one feel jealous over the people they love, particularly if they feel that this love is under threat. You must also understand that both of you live far from each other and come from different cultures. These two factors are crucial to the stability of a marriage.

Distant relationships must be managed with care. The issue here is how to bridge the trust gap and remain intimate and close even though you are in two different continents.

You, of course, need a social life, however, you have to appreciate that you are not dating, but are married now, as such, your commitment demands faithfulness and devotion. This can only happen where you both choose to be intentional in the cultivation of certain growth markers in your relationship.

First is the fact that distance has a tendency to increase conflict, thereby killing love if nothing is done about it. Investing in time to connect and communicate with each other is one way of minimising suspicion and mistrust.

I realise that you have said very little about whether his actions are justified. As much as you need a social life, this can still happen without spending time with male friends that could end up being a temptation.

Listen to his complaints without being overly defensive. If you desire this marriage to survive this storm, you need to look for an amicable way you to calm his fears. Constant dialogue will be necessary if your relationship is to work.

Finally, the future of your marriage rests on two factors: First, if you truly love him, then you may need to prioritise your marriage and make the necessary sacrifice needed to mend your differences.

Second, if you feel like you need to walk away because this man was never meant for you, then you first need to consider what you have to lose if you walked away from this marriage. What do you stand to lose if you walked away? Also, what will you have gained if you did walk away? Weigh these two outcomes and you will have your answer.

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