Mr Survivor: See no evil, speak no evil 

Happy Valley Resort is an encyclopedia of secrets. Although our people say that walls have ears and that there is no secret between two people, Happy Valley has defied the adages by concealing the drama of the place from public consumption. As a taxi driver, and therefore a night runner of sorts, what I have seen and heard at Happy Valley is enough to bring down many families but that is not the reason I go there. Suffice, however, to say that if what I have seen and heard at Happy Valley is anything to go by, then the drama at the place can put Hollywood films to shame.

           The citation on the admission to the exclusive members’ club, better known as admission to the bar, and which is also the cardinal rule says; “What you see, hear, and talk at this premises is the exclusive property of the club which should be left here.”

Spilt the beans 

It is this rule number one that the chief and Mhesh broke when they spread unfounded juicy stuff to my one and only wife and Queen about some unholy relationship between Mrembo and me, thereby jeopardising my hard-earned marital harmony. You will remember how I got to know about the two veritable marriage breakers when I took my family out for a Sunday outing. Queen spilt the beans. 

Now, seeing how maintaining a semblance of marital bliss is draining, emotionally and financially, I had no recourse but to table the injustice at the high table of Happy Valley management. That is to say, I reported the two spoilers to Mrembo, which is another way of saying I told the Chairman. As you can expect, I added salt and pepper to the story to earn sympathy.

Mrembo took the issue very seriously. As you know, she has been the recipient of the long-running jibes on her open-secret relationship to Chairman. It was her time to teach the loose tongues a lesson. Of course, to all patriotic members of the club, we see no evil, hear no evil and talk no evil. We hold it that theirs is purely a business relationship.

“One lie is more than enough for me. Sitaki kiberebere,” Mrembo said. “The two should know what I have gone through because of their loose mouths,” agreed the chairman. “They nearly caused the end of my marriage,” I added. “They need to face the full force of the law so that they can serve as a warning to themselves and others of like- evil-minded tendencies.

           And so the whole house had a sitting in Mumbi House on Friday in response to a message sent to all members to attend without failure or lateness, “to discuss urgent matters of importance to our great family.” The two-faced the ‘court’ headed by chairman and prosecuted by Mrembo. It was a very hot sitting and the two could not survive. “Go outside and await the decision of this court,” said the chairman after a two-hour grilling session.

           That was the time I realized that Mhesh and the chief had made many enemies in the club. As the most linguistically armed member in the house, I was given the duty of drafting the suspension letter. I put my best hand forward and here is the letter.

“After a sitting of the full house, in which you were invited, and after careful consideration of your case in which you were accused of committing the crime of liberal use and misuse of your tongue in flagrant breach of the oath of secrecy as clearly stated in the citation on admission to the club, it has been decided that you proceed on a three months suspension from the privileges of the club, which includes and not limited to gaining entry to the precincts of the club, pending determination of your case. The vetting and admission committee will consider your application for readmission to the club. You are hereby ordered to pay the cost of the case to the management in terms of the food and drinks of both the whole house on this day of the case and the subsequent sitting of the vetting and admission committee at the current market rates. Be advised that your conduct in terms of actions and words during the suspension will highly influence the decision of the committee.”  

And that is how the two rumour mills lost their name and place at Happy Valley. That is the price they have to pay for making my life difficult by feeding my Queen with juicy stories. With those two named and shamed, I am only left with Omosh to deal with. You see, Omosh is not a member of the club and hence could not be subjected to the decision of the court. That will be a simple matter for me seeing that I have been concealing his secret liaisons with Makena, our house help, from his wife. The stability of his marriage depends on me. In the meantime, I can enjoy some marital bliss in the absence of the two spoilers.