What you need to know:
- On the one hand, for the sake of the future leaders’ safety, I could not ignore the C.P.A. On the other hand, in the interest of peace and harmony at the Palace, I could not abandon my Queen at her hour of need.
- You will remember how I was recently exiled because of showing some concern to the CPA and I could not risk banishment during this cold weather. I was in a very delicate situation that required kingly, nay, Solomonic wisdom.
By David Wainaina
When the Meru heroine, one lady justice Martha Koome, was sworn in as the 15th Chief Justice of the debt- ridden Republic of Kenya, Makena threw a party at the Palace. You see, Makena is a drama queen and has completely displaced Queen from the Palace kitchen. She is in charge of the Palace menu for the entire week apart from Sundays which Queen has designated as the weekly chapati day. It is from this that Makena aptly earned her title C.P.A, Comptroller of Palace affairs.
Buoyed by the big title, C.P.A announces to all our friends and enemies that were it not for her, the whole family would long have died of malnourishment due to Queen’s poor culinary skills. Now, due to Queen’s busy schedule in the church, in the chama, and at her Slopes Supermarket, I wholly agree with Makena’s braggadocio, but I cannot risk letting Queen know that.
And so, last Friday evening, C.P.A. broke the chapati day rule by preparing them for supper. As expected, the future leaders, who usually dictate what they want prepared, were very happy. “Today is special chapati Sunday on a Friday,” said the first born of the first born twins and the family activist. “Yes, today is special Sunday of chapati,” said the second born, the family ombudsman. “Eeeh! Fridays tutakuwa tunakula chapati,” said the last born, the family joker.
At that juncture, Queen came back to her senses and realized that C.P.A. had prepared chapati on a Friday, the only meal she had a room to decide when it was to be eaten. Since recalling me from marital Siberia and spoiling me with marital nirvana, we have been having very constructive and engrossing marital talks which have distracted her from such petty things as checking what Makena is up to in the kitchen.
“Why did you prepare chapati on a Friday?” Queen asked. The reply came fast, furiously and final. “We are celebrating my relative’s promotion to higher glory!” answered C.P.A. As a way of taunting Queen, she had deliberately borrowed from Queen’s fanatical vocabulary bank. “Who was promoted to a higher glory? Queen asked. “Martha Koome was made the president of all the judges of Kenya,” C.P.A. answered.
“Haiya! You mean she became your relative after becoming the big judge? Queen asked mischievously. “Martha is a second cousin of my grandmother’s co-wife from my mother’s side,” answered C.P.A. “I shall be travelling home to attend her homecoming ceremony,” added the drama queen. By then, Queen had dismissed her by allowing her to massage her ego to the full. Then came the bombshell.
"Martha was working with FIDA before becoming a judge. Our salaries will now increase,” said C.P.A. With that announcement, Queen took interest in the talk. “Who said that?” Queen asked. “I saw it on Facebook. Some domestic managers are taking the case to the Supreme Court. Our minimum pay will be Sh10,000,” said C.P.A. There was a shouting silence at the Palace as Queen struggled hard to swallow and digest the news.
Queen looked at me in a manner likely to suggest that I was part of the plan to increase Makena’s salary. She was waiting to see on whose side I was between C.P.A. and her. I realised that if I did not clean my name, she could very easily suspend me from marital nirvana and consequently send me to exile.
On the one hand, for the sake of the future leaders’ safety, I could not ignore the C.P.A. On the other hand, in the interest of peace and harmony at the Palace, I could not abandon my Queen at her hour of need. You will remember how I was recently exiled because of showing some concern to the CPA and I could not risk banishment during this cold weather. I was in a very delicate situation that required kingly, nay, Solomonic wisdom.
“You have heard with your own ears what has been said,” Queen told me. “Yes, we are going to discuss it later,” I said. When we retired to the bedroom after a sumptuous meal of chapati and matumbo, we talked at great length and I managed to convince Queen to raise Makena’s salary to Sh10,000 instead of waiting to be forced by the courts or probably, even lose her.
“That is too much for me alone. We have to both contribute to her salary. After all, she spends a lot of time taking care of your hens when the boys are at school,” Queen said. And that is how the Palace drama queen managed to sell fear to us and consequently earn a hefty pay rise. Because of buying the fear, I will now be forced to contribute five thousand shillings from the end of coming month. If this is a sign of things to come, I know some people are in for a very rude shock. The honeymoon for dead beat husbands is over. They have to shape up or ship out. Be warned.