It's not you, it's them: Emotional abuse and ways to cope

Dear doctor,

I have been married for eight years, but life has become unbearable. My wife always finds a reason to criticise me and say things that make me feel embarrassed and unimportant. She insults me and humiliates me, sometimes even in front of her family, and the children. She has always had a sharp tongue, but things got worse about two years ago when she got a promotion at work and started earning more than me. She says I am not a man since I am not able to provide for her at her new status, but she hasn’t increased her contribution to the family budget. Is there any help for men like me?

JR

Dear JR,

What you have been experiencing is called emotional abuse or psychological violence. This is where someone tries to control, manipulate, or intimidate you by using insults, dismissive language, public embarrassment, yelling, lecturing, giving orders, having unrealistic expectations, invalidating you, bullying you, blaming you for their problems, among other behaviours.

Emotional abuse can happen in a romantic relationship or a marriage, but it can also happen in other relationships; including friendships, family and work relationships. It may occur on its own or it may be part of other forms of violence such as physical violence, financial abuse, sexual abuse, among others.

The abusive person has a consistent behaviour of saying and doing things that are humiliating, criticising, shaming, controlling, accusing, and causing emotional isolation and neglect. The abuser also denies the abuse, and sometimes may even say that what they are being accused of didn’t happen (gas-lighting) leaving the abused person feeling confused and hurt. The abuser makes the abused person constantly feel guilty. They trivialise the feelings of the abused person, and they may also actively work to isolate the abused from their social support.

Even though the wounds are not physical, emotional abuse causes psychological wounds that are deep. The abused person endures continuous psychological injury that causes self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness and disliking yourself. This can affect your confidence when interacting with others, and your work or academic performance. It can lead to mental health problems like depression, anxiety disorders and substance abuse. Prolonged stress can also contribute to development of physical illnesses like hypertension, stomach ulcers, chronic pain, among others.

It is never the fault of the abused person that they are experiencing the abuse, and it is impossible to please the abuser or change them, unless the abuser makes a decision to change, and seeks help.

To deal with this, it is good that first you have acknowledged there is a problem. You need to take care of yourself first – avoid blaming yourself and take time to heal. Healing may include getting space where you can re-discover yourself and attend to your needs, such as engaging in an activity that you enjoy and that you do with others, like a sport. Healing may also include talking to a therapist. With time, as you heal, you then need to re-build your social support system and set personal boundaries with the abuser. This may mean standing up for yourself without backing up, leaving abusive circumstances or actually leaving the relationship.

Men also experience abuse – psychological physical, sexual, financial, among others. Seeking help is healthy, and increasingly, there are social groupings for men in religious and non-religious circles that address the challenges that men encounter.

Dear doctor,

I have a problem: I sweat too much. By the time I am done eating, I have sweat streaming down my face. Any exercise I do, I sweat a lot. It is embarrassing!! I guess its genetic because I see my brothers and dad sweating the same way. Is there anything that can be done?

Mo

Dear Mo,

The body uses different ways to regulate body temperature and cool down. Sweating is one of them. Excessive sweating is called hyperhidrosis, and the sweating may affect the whole body or specific regions like the face, the head, the palms, the soles of the feet, or the armpits. Sweating while eating is called gustatory sweating. Sweating while taking hot foods or drinks, or taking something spicy, is normal. Rarely, though, there may be sweating on the face while eating any kind of food, and this is as a result of nerve damage to the parotid gland (one of the salivary glands). In this case, the sweating may occur on the affected side of the face. Gustatory sweating may also occur as a result of diabetes mellitus.

Excessive sweating happens because miscommunication from the nerves makes the sweat glands overactive. This may be from a problem with the nervous system, or it may have no identifiable cause at all. Genetics also play a role in hyperhidrosis. Sometimes the sweating develops later in life as a result of other diseases like an overactive thyroid, diabetes, diseases affecting the nerves, or using some medications. Sweating may also be triggered by hormonal changes like pregnancy and menopause, or due to emotional states like anxiety.

The challenges with excessive sweating include dehydration, and developing skin conditions due to the constant wetness, fungal infections between the toes, or cracked palms.

There is no cure for the excessive sweating. Take a lot of water so that you stay well hydrated, especially in hot weather or during exercise. Wear absorbent clothing such as cotton. Maintaining body hygiene and using deodorant/antiperspirant is helpful. There are also natural options to use instead of a commercial deodorant. Aluminium chlorhydrate/chloride solution can be prescribed by the doctor to apply to the areas that are most affected. Other options for controlling the swelling include iontophoresis, injections and other medications. Any present underlying illnesses should also be managed.