Many Kenyans who don’t believe in God have expressed their desire to see the Hustler Fund fail on its first attempt.
Never in our wildest dreams would we have imagined there would be people jealous of hustlers having money in their pockets; and since envy is not one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit, the government is encouraging those going to church tomorrow to pray for this group of non-believers.
Since our forefathers and foremothers kicked colonialists like polio more than 59 years ago, our leaders have struggled to find a vaccine that would insulate hustlers in Kenya from the ravages of poverty, once and for all. Successive regimes have tried top-down – and all manner of acrobatic economic models – but they couldn’t find the magic formula hidden in the Bible.
It took the Hustler government less than 100 days to open their eyes to the message from the prophets of the Lord. Instead of thanking us for returning them back to Christ, they’re busy doing target practice with our Party Manifesto. We shall forgive them unconditionally because the Bible reminds us not to be vindictive like Kinoti.
Porridge and fresh juice
We understand the Hustler Fund might not be everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s precisely why we didn’t channel the funds through KTDA. Had we done so, the money wouldn’t have reached those who take porridge and fresh juice for breakfast. We’re cognisant of all our hustlers who are watching their weight, unlike our competitors who are watching the World Cup only.
For those who are saying 500 shillings is too small for a hustler to make any meaningful investment with the fund, we challenge them to get into a dark room with a mosquito. 500 shillings is enough to buy a mosquito coil to help them sleep soundly at night for 14 days before we upgrade their credit score.
For you to benefit from the Hustler Fund long term, you must first endeavour to stay alive; and that is why we’re using the Fund to help them fight Malaria.
There are also some non-believers currently inciting hustlers not to repay the loan arguing that the President is a fellow hustler who will dare not touch the anointed.
We would like to request those who don’t believe that the President will teach hustlers how to face Godly music to read Proverbs 10:2; “ill-gotten treasures have no lasting value, but righteousness delivers from death.”
Unlike our competitors, we promise not to weaponize the DCI to go after those who refuse to repay their loan, because we now have a new special police unit that will be twice as effective with a human face.
We realize there are those who are praying for the Hustler Fund to fail so that they can make it a campaign issue during the next elections. We’d love to remind them there are many things we promised Kenyans during the previous administration that did not see the light, but it didn’t prevent hustlers from sticking by us.
If the Kamariny Stadium which is historic, didn’t make us lose votes in the last elections, the Hustler Fund which is not historic will not worry us one bit.
We’re a Government of honest men and prayerful women and that’s why we shall not close any places of worship that bullies the eardrums of our sleeping children. Instead, we intend to give them Hustler Fund to upgrade their musical instruments to sing to the Lord until the heavens open.
Those who don’t want to hear the music of the Lord have been urged to continue listening to the music of the Earth for as long as the police don’t catch up with them – because if we find you past 10 pm, you shall know why the Hustler Fund did not come to those who aren’t patient.