We’re going to Jamhuri Day to thank God for closing bars

There are people who wanted to host parallel Jamhuri Day celebrations asking hustlers to join them in clashing heads with the government.

We’d like to remind them that there’s only one expert bullfighter in Kenya, and he’s now busy serving Kakamega County in the Senate.

Picking bones with the government should be a preserve of those working in slaughterhouses. They not only have the right farm tools and personal protective equipment, but they also understand the language of dogs, who have since denied the country is going to them.

The government has done more with less than the 100 days we have given them so far. We have rolled out the Hustler Fund, committed to fighting climate change by sending the largest delegation to COP27, reduced the cost of fuel by one shilling, and shutdown unholy places of worship hurting the eardrums of our children with satanic music.

Those who don’t believe in God aren’t blessed with holy eyes to see the progress from a bird’s eye-view; and we don’t blame them because it takes time for God to reveal Himself to nonbelievers. In six months’ time, we shall pray to God to open their eyes, which is historic.

For the first time in the culinary history of Kenya, the government has made it possible for hustlers to enjoy sumptuous beef stew they bought with their own taxpayers’ money. Prior to the Hustler Fund we only used to eat ugali with the smell of meat coming out of hotels owned by children of village dynasties.

Christmas gift

We would like to thank the Government for opening the taxpayers’ purse early to give us a Christmas gift so that children of hustlers can also borrow money like children of people.

The hustler government was under no obligation to roll out the Hustler Fund before Jesus is born in two weeks, and we wouldn’t have begrudged them had we waited till His second coming.

However, now that they’ve shown us how eating public money feels like, we have no reason not to support them to keep opening the eyes of hustlers to more opportunities for eating.

This is why the only Jamhuri Day we shall attend is the one organised by the Government of God, where milk and honey shall freely flow in the fuel tanks of those sitting at the VIP section.

All Hustlers are expected on Jamhuri Day fete as there shall be a banquet at State House afterwards, contrary to the wild allegations by those who don’t believe in God that the government hasn’t been feeding hustlers and that’s why they’re currently starving.

We’re aware that those who wanted to host a parallel Jamhuri Day have been thirsty for a drink since we shut down all bars more than two weeks ago. The hustler government empathises with their livers, but we can’t help them since the Bible says that man shall not live on alcohol alone.

We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all hustlers are born equal, that they’re endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Godly Sleep.

Those asking us to close noisy churches and other places of worship should tell us when they became Prophets of God. When Jesus converted water into wine he had the powers to extend the miracle and convert nightclubs into churches, but he failed to do so; and we can only wait for his second coming to ask him why.

In the meantime, hustlers have been asked not to listen to nonbelievers who did not vote for us.

Only those who don’t believe in the existence of a miracle working God can entertain the thought of holding a parallel rally on Jamhuri Day. As for me and other hustlers, we shall go eat in State House.

[email protected]