No tsetse fly should bite election servers this year

vote counting kiambaa

An IEBC official takes part in vote counting for the Kiambaa Parliamentary by-election at Kimuga polling centre on July 15, 2021.

Photo credit: Evans Habil | Nation Media Group

The year every Kenyan has been gossiping about is finally here. Never since 2017 has a single year stolen the hearts and minds of Kenyans.

Knowing Kenyans and their attention span in relationships, it wouldn’t be a surprise if a jealous spouse went to court to ask for divorce on the grounds that their partner has been speaking too much about 2022 than themselves.

While those who study the galaxy would want us to believe the planets will keep revolving around the sun the same way they did in previous years, this year matters to Kenyans much more than science can explain.

If this is the year God will decide to send his son again back to Earth, then we recommend that He should postpone the coming to 2023, or he should come alone because we might crucify his son again and we might not give him a decent burial due to Covid-19 restrictions.

Many things have been said about 2022 by people who only see astrology in the dictionary. Some political weathermen have warned us that the wind in Central Kenya will blow in seven directions this year, while alerting Western Kenya residents not to listen to anyone claiming they’re a lion unless they produce a certificate from the Kenya Wildlife Service.

Testing fiery tongues

Those who help young Kenyans make career choices haven’t been left behind either. They’ve foreseen that this is the year Kenyan universities will introduce a course in Political Art, finally leaving Political Science only to those with the mandate of testing the fiery tongues of politicians in the cohesion agency lab.

Everyone agrees this is the year all Kenyans will be walking with a River Road certificate in political analysis, including those who’ve been demanding the replacement of History lessons with tips on how to get a free wheelbarrow on their graduation day.

The infection rate is alarming that those who won’t catch the political cold this year will have to volunteer themselves for scientific research before Kenya gets sanctioned by the international community for harbouring extraterrestrial aliens.

There has been talk about the likelihood of God coming out to endorse candidates in this year’s elections, but everything in Kenya is considered a rumour; until Mike Sonko unleashes an incriminating recording.

For the Independent Electoral and Boundaries Commission, this is the year you’ve been waiting for not to embarrass your families again. For five years, Kenyans have given you breathing space to go back to school to learn how to count. Even the child who was born the last time the Supreme Court ordered you to redo your sums is now in PP1 showing teachers how to write correct answers.

Kenyans will no longer go back to the streets to beg you not to carry petrol to work. If any of your members are contemplating messing up the electoral systems , then we humbly ask that they be sent to the prison tailor for their measurements to be taken before it’s too late.

Kenyans are tired of squabbling with the police over election results, and the only shooting we want to hear from media reports is that of photographers proving to their parents that they didn’t sell cows to take other cows to school.

The police should be escorting ballot materials to the polling stations and running errands for busy voters; as this is the only way they can convince us they’ve transformed into a service. If they can carry handbags for their bosses in government, they can also be sent to go buy bread for their lowly bosses in the voting queue.

Kenyans hope the election servers won’t be extradited to another foreign country and be exposed to tsetse flies again; because IEBC is yet to convince us that it found a lifelong cure for its sleeping sickness.

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