Make merry, do not kill or be killed in Jesus’ name

Christmas

Today is the day to apologise for not picking calls the whole year, in exchange for grilled drumsticks.

Fellow Kenyans. Today is the day everyone goes back to the village to apologise to their parents for not picking calls the whole year, in exchange for grilled drumsticks and pan-fried wheat flour.

It’s also the day Jesus is supposed to be born in a backwater room full of acrid air to a woman who’s never seen a man, and a man who doesn’t have the benefit of DNA technology.

While everyone is expected to share messages of happiness in celebration of the birth of the Messiah, you’ll still find KRA sending emails asking you to declare your wealth, or else you’ll find out why the chicken you’re about to show the knife hasn’t gone to the urinal since it was born.

It’s been a difficult year made worse by the gruelling punches of Covid-19. Many lost income sources and returned to the village to start from the bottom-up, while those who were able to convince their landlords to help the United Nations fight poverty stayed back in the city to watch Mike Sonko take the Judiciary to the cleaners.

In a country that constantly punishes those who obey the law and rewards those who bend it to their advantage, today is the day we all forget our problems with the government and thank God for sending his only son to give us an excuse to drink and drive.

For those driving to and from reconnecting with their roots, the meteorological department already gave us an advance warning of poor visibility on slippery roads. Jesus wasn’t born today for you to die for him.

Do not compete with time on who can fly the fastest, even if you own a blue Subaru fitted with a set of three lungs.

And to those who couldn’t travel by the old passenger train because of peer pressure from those who own private jets, may this day open your eyes to see that laughing at those who have embraced their financial status isn’t the best medicine to Covid-19.

We remain hopeful that you shall share the village goodies with those who remained behind to guard your homes from being broken into by December burglars.

But if you choose not to share in your parents’ sweat, don’t be upfront about it today as we wouldn’t want you to insult anyone in Jesus name. We also haven’t forgotten all parents who managed to stay alive after killing school fees stress and subjecting CBC homework to corporal punishment this year.

Despite not catching a break since the academic year resumed in May, a vast majority of parents were able to convince their children that burning schools won’t cook meals to their liking, and dialogue isn’t only reserved for those intending to work at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

Because of their positive contribution to society, all chicken have been instructed to give an easy time to parents who refused to let technology raise their children, as we weren’t able to convince the President to include them in the Jamhuri Day heroes list.

As you walk by the supermarket aisle for last minute Christmas shopping, there’s a high likelihood you’ll bump into the voice of January school fees whispering over your shoulder discouraging you from celebrating Jesus’s birthday. Like the three wise men, you’re advised to stay calm and focus on your pilgrimage to the till.

Only King Herod and those who missed the Kisumu train are supposed to be jealous today. And if you happen to come across images of those pouring liquor on the floor for their ancestors to also have a drink, kindly resist the urge to call the moral police.

Even the living dead deserve to enjoy the fruits of their labour, after our suffering kept them awake the entire year when they should be resting in eternal peace.


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