Love doesn’t ask ‘why?’ ... It speaks from the heart and never explains

 “Why?” can be a dangerous small question, especially in the context of gender-based violence (GBV), where it can be a lethal weapon used to either justify violence — even unintentionally — or force the survivor to go into defence mode to try and justify their victimhood.

GBV survivors are often subjected to disempowering questions like, “Why did you stay? Why didn’t you leave?” or “Why did you wear that?”  leaving them fumbling for explanations that would make sense, forgetting how senseless such violence is.

As the world marks 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, which runs from November 25 to December 10, one of the campaigns reminded us of the media’s powerful agenda-setting role by rewriting some headlines that perpetuated gender stereotypes and biases in reporting GBV.

The headline Man kills wife over flirty messages, for example, has a silent “Why?” — Why did the man kill his wife? or Why did the woman send flirty messages?

Victim-shaming

The question inadvertently permits justification for the actions of the perpetrator of violence and makes too much room for victim-shaming, especially in cases of sexual violence. Research has shown that sexual assault is one of the crimes where the victim is blamed, so asking “Why?” just makes this repugnant culture fester.

In his remarks during the “It’s On Us” campaign in 2014, which was meant to help put an end to sexual assault on colleges, US President Barack Obama alluded to the danger of asking “Why?” when he stated:  “For anybody whose once normal everyday life was suddenly shattered by an act of sexual violence, the trauma, the terror, can shatter you long after one horrible attack. It lingers. You don’t know where to go or who to turn to… and people are more suspicious of what you were wearing or what you were drinking as if it’s your fault, not the fault of the person who assaulted you…We still don’t condemn sexual assault as loudly as we should.”

Justification for violence

Those who have been on the receiving end of GBV will tell you that there is no justification for violence. No, it’s never about the alcohol. Or bad cooking. Or any other excuse that the question “Why?” allows to seep through. GBV perpetrators don’t need a reason, so none should ever be sought.

One might argue that human beings are naturally curious and that those who offer explanations are merely trying to quench this curiosity.

And that even editors and reporters are just humans following the path to great content through the hallowed 5Ws and H rule. But, given the evidence of how fast the question can shift the blame to the victim or help justify a perpetrator’s actions, it should be used sparingly.

As the 16 Days of Activism draw to a close, let’s show the survivors some love. And love, as Celine Dion sang, doesn’t ask why.

[email protected]; @FaithOneya