Kenyans won’t do the Lord’s work as NCIC takes the money

Dear NCIC officials,

We’re not going to wish you a Happy New Year today, because Kenya Power might dance on the pylons and plunge us into darkness again before we finish this pleading. This is the year all government bodies were expected to stand at attention straight from the time night firecrackers went up to compete with traditional chickens on who could usher in 2022 first.

If there are people who should know our entitled politicians inside out, it’s you. You perch in the same leafy suburbs every day and hang inner garments on balcony lines together whenever Kenya Power decides to give your laundry machines a day off.

Ordinarily, we wouldn’t expect you to go hard on those from whom you borrow salt after your estate kiosk has gone to sleep. It wouldn’t be good neighbourliness if you smiled with your neighbours in the apartment elevator in the morning, only to send the police to arrest them immediately you part ways at the estate junction.

We understand the desire to keep your resident association card clean of witch-hunt accusations, as we’ve been watching the news on the things villagers are doing to those suspected of being witches; and we wouldn’t want anything like that to befall your family if you can avoid it.

Kenyans understand your government job means the whole world to you. You need to maintain the exclusive lifestyle that comes with oiling your hair with public money, as our children break their backs trekking to dilapidated schools to enable you to send yours to study abroad.

Jump over raw sewage

No one would want you to be sacked for waking up to birds chirping on your bedroom window to a life where you jump over raw sewage to take turns at showering in the rain. While we won’t begrudge you God’s blessings ahead of us, we’re asking you not to use the blessings to cover your ears when your government salary can buy you sound-proof equipment.

This year you’ll have to meet us halfway down the road. Kenyans will pull their weight in maintaining peaceful coexistence, and we expect you to pull yours in clipping the beaks of warmongering politicians. Or else, you’ll have to step aside and let the train pass.

This year Kenyans have refused to do the Lord’s work for those earning a salary for it. 

We’re not asking you for a favour. If we wanted a favour we would’ve called our toxic friends who promised to shake us off this January, only to discover that talk is still cheaper than a litre of cooking oil.

You’re the National Cohesion and Integration Commission, not the National Composition and Insha Commission.

We’ve already ascertained that you’re the best at writing letters to politicians, and we won’t dare the Kenya National Exams Council to grade you because you’ll beat all KCPE candidates who are sitting their exams in March.

We now want front-row action – it’s what you promised us from the day you were sworn into office.

If you don’t have the necessary tools to crack down on hatemongers and ethnic warlords, we can help you open a paybill number to deposit your allowances and we’ll assign someone to put your money into meaningful use. 

Whatever you choose to do, we’re letting you know that we aren’t going into another election where a constitutional agency mandated to make politicians shiver in front of the microphone is so toothless they can’t chew a maize cob to save their lives.

Kenyans aren’t going to be sitting ducks again waiting for help only for you to issue squealing statements that hatemongers conveniently use to warm themselves with all night.

We’d rather stay up all night knowing we’re on our own, than to cry to a government commission that doesn’t recognise tears as official correspondence.

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