What you need to know:
- We thank the IEBC for minding our business and reminding us to register in large numbers.
- Contrary to popular belief, Kenyans care for their fat salaries and allowances.
Today marks the sixth day since the Independent Electoral and Boundaries Commission (IEBC) began a month-long attempt at converting those who attend political rallies into fishers of votes.
While preliminary reports suggest the numbers are less inspirational than a mortuary signpost, analysts agree there’s still time for new voters to finish mourning the crashing of Facebook and WhatsApp, fix their Instagram filters, and go take a selfie with IEBC officials at their nearest registration centre.
We thank the IEBC for minding our business and reminding us to register in large numbers. Contrary to popular belief, Kenyans care for their fat salaries and allowances. We won’t disappoint, as we don’t want anyone to lose their job during the Covid-19 pandemic.
However, before we answer to the call of nature to save this country from bad governance, Kenyans need to know if they’re still in a complicated relationship with IEBC so that they start calling their political mechanics for newer shock absorbers. To help IEBC answer that question, we would like to be assured of the following:
One. That the 2017 election servers that travelled to France have since been woken up and given the right medicine to help them recover from sleeping sickness.
It is also our hope that IEBC included farm tools and equipment in the election budget they presented to Parliament for approval. Kenyans want to be assured the bushes – that bred the tsetse flies that gave those servers sleeping sickness – will be cleared before the next polls.
If the Government is broke and won’t buy those farm tools, we encourage the IEBC to seek alternative means of tsetse fly control, including, but not limited to; promising all tsetse flies a tender to supply sleep to all parents currently searching for next week’s school fees with a torch.
Two. That our votes will count even though they didn’t go to school. And if the IEBC are yet to teach our votes how to count, they have 10 months left to take them through the competency-based curriculum. They can start by teaching our votes with sticks, and in the likely event that our votes will have failed the counting exams, we hope to get feedback in time to plan for remedial classes or give them wheelbarrows to go look for their own school fees.
Three. That our presidential vote shall travel to the national tallying centre on fast speed internet and not by Probox. We’re concerned about the roadblocks on our highways, and we wouldn’t want our votes to be frisked by those who are capable of whipping them into changing their statement before arrival at the Bomas of Kenya.
Four. That all votes shall be equal before God and Wafula Chebukati. Kenyans want to be assured that the votes of those who have billions in their bank accounts will carry the same weight as those of jobless graduates wading into filthy trenches for a Kazi Mtaani stipend.
We also want to know whether the billionaire’s vote will also be allowed to stay inside the ballot box for 12 hours without food, while that of the jobless graduate will not be asked to go wave placards on the streets if they want to alert the poll clerks that they’re having difficulties breathing inside the ballot box. Kenyans are asking IEBC to leave special treatment to health facilities, and let all votes mingle freely without regard to money.
Five. That IEBC has learnt from the 2017 mistakes and will use the Supreme Court recommendations to conduct credible 2022 elections that not only make everyone happy but shield the Judiciary from re-visitors whom the host has no ice-cream left to give.
Lastly. That biometric equipment shall only be operated by those who didn’t see technology only in the dictionary. There are many things Kenyans would love to stay in long queues for, and voting for those who’ll increase fuel prices isn’t one of them.
The writer comments on topical issues; [email protected]