Constituency Development Fund is dead, long live CDF

The Nyali Constituency Development Funds (CDF) Offices in Mombasa

The Nyali Constituency Development Funds (CDF) Offices in Mombasa in this photo taken on June 27,  2022.

Photo credit: Kevin Odit | Nation Media Group

What you need to know:

  • When it comes to ideas on how to greet public money, our MPs are the most creative of any set of professionals in Kenya.
  • They aren’t short of ideas on the next style of milking the cow whenever one option runs out of fuel.
  • Kenyans are banking on the new crop of MPs who’re already promising to stand with the people and sit without allowance.

We have all been waiting for news from unlikely quarters this week.

The Supreme Court, doing the Lord’s work again, found the Constituency Development Fund (CDF) had been molested beyond recognition and ordered that it should be removed from the hands of MPs; as they have been certified to be sticky, slippery, or both.

It’s not the music MPs had requested the DJ to play while they kept vigil for the punishing election day the next morning, and no one would fault them for pouting at the Supreme Court judges.

They had spent five years begging for alms from fat cats to give their campaigns more lives, with the promise that upon winning they’d use the CDF kitty to return to their point of salvation and say thank you with more than words.

While the MPs’ camp was still processing the funeral announcement, the tent housing struggling Kenyans had its roof blown off by wild carnival.

It wasn’t because Kenyans hate their MPs as to wish them a bad omen; as a matter of fact, Kenyans love their politicians more than Christ loves the church – we refer to them by honourable names they haven’t worked for, and even sacrifice our food money to aid and abet their large living.

Sufferer tent 

However, the celebrations in the sufferer tent, at the Supreme Court’s prescription, were a reaction to the Godly vengeance on public officials who promise water but drink it all.

We have been electing MPs to serve us maize flour at compromised prices, only for them to team up and help the cost of living graduate without ever attending economics classes.

Kenyans don’t expect this Supreme Court jamboree to last longer; in any case, we’ve lately become a one-minute country – our marathoners have started struggling on the big stage, as hidden talent in sprinting shows up to stand in the gap – and this good news will soon pave the way for tears of frustration when MPs finally take the oath of office and continue eating from where their predecessors left off.

When it comes to ideas on how to greet public money, our MPs are the most creative of any set of professionals in Kenya.

They aren’t short of ideas on the next style of milking the cow whenever one option runs out of fuel.

If the bucket underneath the udder is no longer approved for the milking process, the MPs will create a basket and let it leak in the direction of their bank accounts, and the result will be the same.

You can’t fault them much – they need to repay their campaign debts, else mental health issues will be their unwelcome guest, and the Constitution has refused to let MPs pass laws while in a state of unsound mind.

A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, and so would CDF. If the MPs decide to stop the Supreme Court reggae and return to their high life in a different identity, the best we can do is pray for lightning to strike them at high noon, but that would be a stretch as Nairobi isn’t a zone endemic to chaotic weather.

Kenyans are banking on the new crop of MPs who’re already promising to stand with the people and sit without allowance.

They’ll have a permanent residency inside our hearts if they cut down on flaunting taxpayers’ money and return home to help their people eat stones found in boiled beans.

This change of lifestyle approach is backed up by scientific proof that no MP has ever died in their attempt to join other Kenyans in tightening their belts, as tightening of belts is a globally recommended life-saving practice found to not only reduce road carnage but also increase the life expectancy of road users.

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