Why police should be lawyers or vice versa

If there is a serious laugh that all can relate to, it is the “I know my rights!” cracker.

Somebody joked that if you want to disorient the boys (and girls) in blue, just mention the Constitution.

With a look of shock, they will leave you there and then. How interesting!

It’s fascinating that there may be an element of truth to it. The oppressor thrives on the slave’s ignorance.

That is why the imperialists went knockers when they realised that the oppressed had started to understand the game. They knew it was the beginning of the end of their tyranny.

If your driving instructor is legitimate, they must have touched on the Traffic Act and the Highway Code.

The papers that forbid you from talking on the phone while crossing the road.

The police will arrest you for it. But that is a matter of common sense. Who cannot see when a person is crossing the road? Or stealing? 

My issue is when it becomes intricate. How many Bills are before Parliament? How many have been passed? Few people are privy to these facts.

Now, if you are not aware, how will the officers be expected not to? You sit in an office and barely have time for anything else.

How about them, on patrol yet they are meant to arrest those who break the law?

If there are only a few erudite ones who tell the rest who to go for, could it mean they are just the empty-headed zombies Fela Kuti disembowelled?

“Zombie no go, unless you tell ‘em to go / Zombie no go stop unless you tell ‘em to stop / Zombie no go turn, unless you tell ‘em to turn / Zombie no go think, unless you tell ‘em to think....”

I hope they are not.

Law crafters

But who is endeared and abhorred in equal measure but knows the law inside out regardless? Who but the lawyer? Isn’t it a surprise, then, that they make a significant chunk of the lawmaking apparatus? Of course not! 

They craft the law. They understand it. Let them who throw me into a van be the one to explain to me which article, sub-article, subpoena, quid pro quo and any other legal jargon they love to (over)use. Else, I’m not boarding!

Since both sets of professionals utilise standardised attire, the unification will even be easier.

All they need is to agree on one colour so that they can work interchangeably.

With a little bit of training, our distinguished servicemen will arrest you and then take you straight to court for prosecution.

They will be the lawyer, prosecutor and witness at the same time! 

The crime rate from some of your indisciplined propensities will go down by half, if not more.

With that, the public wage bill will follow suit. Just like that, you will also have solved corruption. Actually, not you. Me. It’s my idea. 

Don’t get carried away. I must be the one to approve the colours. That’s a good place to start.

Kamundia Gitahi, via email