Create time to bond with your teenage child this school holiday

Just like the school term wasn’t easy for teachers and learners, holiday time might not be an easy moment for parents. The current global economic challenges are likely to complicate the holiday time even further.

 However, there is a silver lining to this dark cloud: the holiday time has offered parents an opportunity to bond with their children, understand them better, and mentor them to become healthier and responsible citizens of this country. However, in order to do this, parents need to appreciate a few facts that a majority of them have often taken for granted.

First, parenting hinges on building and sustaining good and healthy parent-child relationships. Any significant relationship thrives in an atmosphere where there is trust and collaboration. Have you ever hosted your teenager’s friends? Have you ever known who your teenage son or daughter hangs out with? You cannot correct or condemn someone you know little about.

 Parents should learn to first understand their teenage children and their philosophies in life so as to find a vantage point from which to correct them. This would call for honest partnerships with teachers and other persons under whose care they might be leaving their children.

Secondly, the position of your teenager’s teachers is critical in the success of your role as a parent. It might sound ridiculous that teachers know your teenage son or daughter better than you do, but this is often the case.

Brighter and more cunning

As such, it is vital that parents appreciate that their children are growing and by the time they hit teenage, most of them have become brighter and quite cunning. They have studied their parents so well that they are sure of the buttons to press in order to elicit desired responses. If parents are not wise, a majority of them get manipulated and misled to take undesirable decisions at this point. Forming an honest partnership with your teenager and his or her teacher would really help in such a case.

Thirdly, parents should appreciate that their teenage children are growing and maturing faster than they did before teen years. Therefore, their perspectives of their teenage children should change in tandem with their children’s growth. Sincere conversations on real issues as opposed to the usual child talk ought to dominate parents’ engagements with their teenagers. Dialogue on their perspectives and philosophies in life, as well as their faith should be cultivated and encouraged at this stage. For instance, it is necessary to encourage teenagers to join you and become members of your houses of worship; but more important would be to initiate and sustain balanced discussions on the basis of your faith, earning an honest living and the value of tolerance.

Fourthly, parents ought to learn the dos and don’ts with regard to interacting with their teenage children. I have seen colossal literature on dos and don’ts in marriages, but I am yet to see any when it comes to establishing ties with our children. However, parents with teenage children need to learn five cardinal don’ts in parenting teenagers.

One, never be sarcastic in your remarks while addressing your high school teenage child. Appreciate that he or she is a human being like you are; one with strengths and weaknesses like any other human being, and one who would get deeply hurt by sarcastic remarks from people they trust and look up to for acceptance and encouragement.

Two, when discussing performance, whether in academics or duties assigned to them, don’t ever use embarrassing remarks. Learn to correct firmly but with love. Embarrassing a teenager, particularly in the presence of their peers, dents their self-image and does irreparable damage to their self-esteem. Correction should never be done at the height of anger. Children should not be terrified with unrealistic expectations and demands. Set progressive and achievable goals for your teenage child; goals that do not break their determination to try. Appreciate that learning is a process and a room to perfect what has been learnt should always be offered.

Three, we become better and more supportive parents when we teach our teenagers responsibility in an environment where there is freedom. Our teenage children should learn that freedom comes with responsibility; that accountability is what makes freedom a right. Acknowledgement of this fact is key to overcoming the temptation to micro-manage our growing teenagers. Every time a parent leaves a long list of dos and don’ts in the house, they curtail the development of reasoning and creativity in their growing children and make the home environment suffocating.

Mobile phones

Four, one of the most challenging areas is in the teenager’s use of phone. The advent of e-learning has compounded this matter since mobile phones are not just communication gadgets but learning tools.

However, parents need to be candid in their advice on use of phones. They must discuss and demonstrate their knowledge about the distractive and destructive aspects of the phone when misused. They need to agree with their children, through dialogue, when and how to use mobile phones.

Indeed, parenting is an art in relationship building. Every parent should invest time and resources in establishing meaningful relationships with their teenage children. Have you ever heard parents complaining that they have failed to connect with their teenage children? If you have, please note that such a failure is an indicator of wanting relationship-building skills. One cannot connect with a stranger. Whenever we become estranged to our children, we miss the opportunity to establish meaningful conversations that lead to real connection. As we pray and bless our children, let us not forget to work harder to connect with them.

Dr Mwirigi, the Chief Principal of Kagumo High School, is a researcher and author.