I like to pay for sex. Should I ask my girlfriend for permission?

I am currently in a one-year relationship but along the journey of self-discovery, I pay for casual safe sex from the red-light district women. I don't engage much with them apart from inquiring about the cost of their services. It's strictly business. What would you call the scenario that I am going through? Would you consider that I’m in an open relationship? Should I ask my girlfriend if she's open to me exploring the red-light district if it is safe? Our relationship has been a mixture of long and short distance. I would appreciate your feedback.

Bryan

READER’S ADVICE

From your explanation, there is a likelihood and a danger that your so called self-discovery is purely lust and eventually will lead to you becoming a sex addict especially with the ladies of the night. In the long run it will adversely affect your intimacy with your spouse. Hopefully, you have finally discovered yourself and it is appropriate that you desist from the activity. Do not attempt to tell your girlfriend about this. Never!

Drive Counselling Centre- Kitengela

I must commend you for being open about your sex life. It seems you enjoy the thrills of multiple sexual partners without serious attachments. Unfortunately, the habit is not healthy because it can easily affect your relationship with your girlfriend. I don't think what you are doing is an open relationship because your girlfriend is not aware and has not consented to the arrangement. Is it possible that your girlfriend is not matching the thrills you get from the prostitutes? If you desire a good future with your girlfriend, it’s advisable that you stop seeing the call girls.

John Wambugu- counsellor

There is nothing like safe sex from the red-light district. Do not be hoodwinked by the nature of their business. Before the one-year-old relationship, you had all the alone time to engage in this business without having any worries. But since want to have your cake and eat it, then you need to be prepared for any outcome. You are the primary beneficiary of your actions so whatever decision you make, be considerate enough to avoid hurting your girlfriend.

Juma Felix

It’s true that you are in dilemma. You need to sit down take a deep breath and ask yourself questions. Don't complicate things. Just be yourself. Evaluate your scenario with the holy book, if it is contradicting then change. May the Holy Spirit guide you to make the right decision.

Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Senior Pastor, Mitume P.A.G Church, Kitale.

EXPERT’S TAKE

The minute you mentioned casual sex I got the feeling that you at times like sex that does not involve feelings or attachment hence why paying for it relieves you of emotional responsibility. This means you focus solely on the act for the thrill and happy ending. Some men also pay sex workers to get control. You also need to ask yourself whether sexual monogamy works for you in the long term. Whether your girlfriend agrees with you or not, at least you will not have hidden your thoughts from her. It is scenarios like this that define your relationship. Honesty is about sharing your truth regardless of how the other person takes the news. Unfortunately, many would rather share what their partner wants to hear and have a separate life that feeds into their desires. It is important to be in a relationship where all the cards are laid on the table.

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

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